


It Wasn't That Quick

by commasplice27



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, Friendship, attempts at humor that probably only make me laugh, fear of commitment, one night stands don't always stay that way, sarcastic duo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-06-12 16:49:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15344181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commasplice27/pseuds/commasplice27
Summary: Alex finds herself encouraging Casey to appeal her suspension. A one night stands lead to an arrangement, but for how long?





	1. Chapter 1

The music washed over Alex as her eyes adjusted to the casually dim lighting of the club. She took a deep breath, easing out of her day and walked inside doing a mild double take at recognizing someone at the bar. 

Alex considered the woman before her who was deep in thought and staring at the melting ice in her almost empty glass. She watched her for a moment before deciding to join her. She motioned to the bartender, “Two more,” she said, indicating the woman sitting under the dim lights at the bar.

Casey Novak looked up and raised her eyebrows in question.

“Can I buy you a drink, you look like you could use another,” Alex said as she gently placed the fresh drink in front of the redhead. “It’s nice to you, Casey.”

“Thanks,” She said, almost a hint of question in her voice. Casey raised her eyebrows but motioned for Alex to sit down next to her. “Fancy meeting you here.”

Alex tilted her head and considered the atmosphere. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for a jazz fan.”

“Well, I am,” she said, and then smirked. “But, Granger picked the place.”

“Lionel Granger?” Alex’s eyebrows quirked slightly. 

“You just missed him,” Casey’s smile revealed her chagrin. 

“I’m hoping it was a business meeting? That’s a hell of a dress.”

“Thanks,” Casey laughed. “He’s been trying to talk me into a few things,” she started and paused to gather the gist of the conversations. “The paramount of which would be appealing the censure that I’m sure you’ve heard about. Apparently the only thing he hates more than prosecutorial misconduct is when said prosecutor has been excessively raked over the coals for that misconduct - you know, instead of just being slapped. I guess he really is into fairness, but he also wants me for his firm’s white collar clients. He’s relentless.”

“Well, God knows I don’t want to agree with Granger, but he’s right about the appeal. You should let him represent you. He’d be good.”

“He loves hearing that he’s right. I’ll be sure to let him know you think so.” She finished the last of her initial drink one long gulp. 

Alex finished hers one moment later and motioned toward the new ones waiting for them on the bar. 

“You trying to catch up with me?” Casey asked.

Alex simply smiled.

“Casey,” she said, her tone somehow shushing. “I’ve been on the bad side of Donnely’s temper. You were used as an example. They hit you with the maximum penalty on your first offense. You should absolutely appeal. You do know that half of all BAR discipline appeals are granted anyway. Half. That’s better odds than you’ll find anywhere.You should seriously consider it.”

“Consider it?” Casey sighed and started on the drink that Alex had bought for her. “It’s all I can think about. It’s all anyone wants to talk to me about, even more than the weather or the world series.”

“You need to expand your social circle,” Alex said, holding her glass up. 

“That’s certainly true,” Casey toasted, clinking her glass to Alex’s. “Well, that’s my story, let’s talk about you. Was it the music that brought a girl like you here, straight from work tonight?” She motioned vaguely at Alex’s suit jacket. 

Alex laughed. And Casey was surprised to really like the clear, bright sound of it. 

“Just a long day, and I wanted to relax. I found this place before I -went away.” she trailed off. She took a large sip before continuing. “I’m just happy it’s still around.”

“You seem to be doing amazingly well. You’ve made un-erasing your life look positively effortless.”

She rolled her eyes. “Coming back from the dead is mostly paperwork,” she smirked. “But calling off a sudden engagement is hardly an indication of smooth reintegration to society.”

“Well, other than that,” Casey winked and lightly bumped Cabot’s heel with her own, moving slightly on the stool, exposing just a bit more of a smooth, toned thigh.

Alex laughed and looked down at the offending leg and shook her head. “You are all legs,” she commented. “I forgot how tall you are.”

Casey smirked and looked at their feet. “I think we’re a similar height, but your heels have a good inch or two on mine.”

Alex tsked. “Shoes make all the difference.”

“How are you enjoying Appeals?”

“I have been more stimulated,” Alex said. She was suddenly tempted to brush a long lock of red hair that had fallen in front of Casey’s eyes back, but stopped herself. “However, it is nice to have a reprieve from supervising baby ADAs.”

“I heard Jim Steele up and resigned.”

Alex smiled. “It was a rough time, but he’s the type that would benefit from being his own boss.”

“He always did have trouble with authority,” Casey said, not hiding a smirk. 

“I wasn’t the one who said it.” Alex said, smiling in response.

“It was good to see him finally taking some responsibility.” She swirled the ice in her drink in thought. “If Kibre goes out on her own are you going to go for her position? I hear you’re good for it.”

“I didn’t realize the rumor mill had gotten around to that yet.”

“Like you said, I probably should expand my social circle.”

“I’m thinking about it.” Ales smiled “A homicide bureau would have fewer brand new ADAs to monitor.”

Casey shook her head. Alex was a beautiful, composed woman, and her everyday expression was inscrutable. Making her smile or laugh seemed to bring out so much more in her. 

 

-

 

“Would you like another round before it gets too late?” Alex said. They’d been there a while but she was having a good time and it was surprisingly easy conversation.

“Oh, I don’t know, any more drinks and I’m likely to start drifting into less safe conversational territory.”

“And pray tell, what would that entail?”

“Well, probably something to do with how amazingly blue your eyes are,” Casey said, the alcohol in her system delaying the blush that should have accompanied such an inadvertent admission. 

“Interesting limit.” Alex smirked and the pleasure of it shown in her eyes.

“Damn,” Casey smiled and her dimples deepened. “I must have missed the warning signs a drink ago.”

Alex tilted her head and slowly smiled. She didn’t know if it was the setting or if it had just been previous circumstances when they last met, but the woman was prettier than Alex remembered. Porcelain skin, bashful smile. She was wearing a simple black dress with a neckline that hinted at cleavage, and thin straps made the most of Casey’s toned arms and shoulders. 

“You really do have the shoulders for that dress,” she said, running a finger gently across the top of one of the smooth arms she was admiring.

Casey swallowed in surprise as goosebumps raced along her skin, and she knew that her reaction (the surprise as well as the desire) was evident. 

As was the fact that Cabot was able to get the upper hand every time she met with the woman. 

Casey has suspected earlier in the evening that she was being flirted with. But it was artful and subtle and she just couldn’t quite bring herself believe it. But then again, she had been off her game lately. 

Alex was beautiful. Stunning actually. And there was a look in her eyes tonight. A challenge. The woman seemed to have every intention to bat her around like a cat with a toy, and she never liked to back down from a challenge. At least, that is what she would tell herself- but she did feel something akin the competitor inside start to wake up. 

Alex did in fact, take advantage of the mildly-stunned moment to stand, closing the gap between them and gently ease into Casey’s personal space. Close enough to know the light scent Casey wore suited her, and to feel the warmth radiating from her body. 

The part of Casey that felt a little too good, a little too relaxed from the alcohol and the music became amused, and it was that part that made Casey’s eyebrow rise in challenge as she looked back at Alex with an expression that could only be read as -I dare you. 

Alex thought Casey should have known better. That she wouldn’t back down from a challenge, not from some strange game of flirting-chicken. She leaned in, assured that Casey wasn’t backing away and kissed her with a hard meeting of their lips - for a moment- then it turned softer, deeper, open mouthed and highly suggestive, but not showy. 

Alex pulled back before they get too far into it, letting the sounds and the setting come back into their reality. She looked at a stunned Casey with equal parts smugness and pleasant surprise that morphed into resolve. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” and nodded toward the door with her head. Casey followed her without another word. 

 

-

 

Casey couldn’t seem to get herself on equal footing, even though she tried. She had been pretty sure that for a split second she had surprised Alex in the bar. However, Alex knew that she’d come home with her when she asked. She was able to read Casey that well. 

But what she wasn’t expecting, once she was inside her apartment, was for Alex to push her up against the wall and pin her with hands and legs and hips. By the time Alex tugged off the dress she seemed so fond of, Casey was already panting softly against Alex’s cheek. 

And then she was backed toward a bed until she could feel it against her legs and being kissed breathless. Her hands were Alex’s hair and her back, pulling her tightly. 

Casey was enthusiastic and her hands were deft, teasing and fast on the buttons of Alex’s shirt. She became incredibly fond of a couple of ticklish squirms she caused along the way. So much so that her dimples flashed in her amusement. 

Alex pushed her onto the bed in retaliation. 

She just laughed and raised herself up on her elbows, waiting. 

The body crawling up over her was glorious and sensuous. All amazingly soft skin and curves that she could not stop running her hands over. 

Alex maneuvered her leg between Casey’s causing her to roll her hips and pull her tightly. Casey made a noise between a growl and a moan and wasn’t able to be more articulate than that for quite a while. 

 

-

 

Casey rolled over and hummed. Alex laughed and brushed a long lock of hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. She gave a small smile and sighed in satisfaction and quietly enjoyed the moment - for about ten seconds - and then said, “You’ve been on Donnelly’s bad side since you asked her to recuse herself.”

Casey laughed, highly amused at the pillow talk and that the conversation picked up right where it left off earlier. She should have known that Cabot would never let a point drop. “How do you know that?”

“Like you said Casey, take your pick… the courthouse, the office, thin walls, we all tend to get lunch, coffee, and alcohol in the same places.” She let that sink in, pulling up the sheet a bit over her now cooling body. “It’s a small community if you think about it.”

“Asking her to recuse herself, that wasn’t from me. It was on the behalf of the DA.”

“It always is. By the way, I know of at least two Brady violations that our current DA wiggled out of himself.”

Casey sighed. “Yeah, but he was at least able to wiggle out.”

“You never did play the power game.”

“I don’t have the patience for it.”

“Evidently,” Alex smirked. “SVU warped your perspective. It happened to me too. You do know I’ve been suspended before.”

“Not your license,” Casey said, prevaricating. She got up and fished around for her purse. 

“Going already?”

Casey smiled at her. “I was just,” she bit her lip and looked away, “I had the urge for a cigarette.”

Alex grinned unabashedly, her ego preening fully.

“The who damn suspension has me started again.”

“Go ahead and stick with that answer if it makes you feel better,” she said, and then winked.

Casey laughed silently. 

“You can do that here, you know.”

“I’m not smoking over your 1,300 thread count sheets.”

“The balcony is right through there,” Alex motioned. She got up, walked to her closet and threw Casey a robe. 

Casey found the door, nestled amid the architectural flourishes of the building and stepped out into the cool air. 

 

-

 

“I would never have taken you for a smoker. You have always had that whole athletic vibe going on.” Alex had given her minute or two before following her out. 

“On and off in law school,” Casey said. She waved her fingers in lieu of a shrug. “Before the censure it had truly been just every once in a while, one or two a year at most.” 

Alex leaned on the iron railing next to Casey, motioned for the cigarette, and took one drag before handing it back. 

“This is not a balcony, by the way. This is an entire terrace. I can’t believe you have a terrace,” Casey said, watching Alex, “In Manhattan.”

“Comes with a garage parking spot and an option for a second too.”

Casey smirked and shook her head but her chest moved with silent laughter. 

“You know, if you do leave SVU, or if your suspension continues… you’re going to be okay. Some things will even be better than okay.” She looked out into the blinking, beautiful cityscape. “It’ll be easier to fall asleep and it is much easier on dinner conversation.” 

Casey remained silent and just looked at her. 

“You should find something to keep busy.”

“Yes, because I’m currently very employable.”

“Casey, you do know we went to the same school.” It was not a question. “‘Cast a wider net.’” She flourished with her hand, indicating the city before them.

“Alex, I am an adult and capable of making grown up decisions myself, you know.”

Alex smirked at her and waited a beat. 

Casey rolled her eyes but sighed and nodded her head. “God, maybe I should just leave well enough alone. Start over somewhere new.”

“That does not sound like a decision a capable adult would make. No one leaves New York willingly.” 

“I know.” She sighed. “I have a legacy apartment too.”

“People would smack you for even thinking about leaving a legacy,” Alex said. “You can’t tell me you don’t have a contact or two that could help you out.”

“I don’t want to go begging for a random job just to have something to do.” She leaned on the railing and looked back out a the city.

“You wouldn’t help one of your old classmates, a friend- if they had a problem? If you could?”

She didn’t answer. 

“Besides, if I remember right, with your particular strong suits- you could easily do research, analysis, writing.”

“What did you look up my law review articles too?”

“I am nothing if not thorough,” she said, letting the shameless self confidence into her voce to add levity to the conversation. “I had to give those baby ADAs something to do and the right prosecutors to emulate.”

Casey sighed. 

“There’s no need to tie yourself up in knots about what happened. You can only focus on what’s in front of you. What is your next move,” she motioned decisively with her hands. “So- what is it you want? Right now. What do you want next?”

Casey shook her head and gave a silent laugh before turning toward Alex and grinning lasciviously.

Alex moved to stand closer. She brushed aside her hair and placed a kiss on the back of her neck. She liked this spot and added nips of her teeth in between the pulsing of her tongue. “Good,” she said. “That’s what I wanted too.”

She let her hands wander until Casey started breathing harder, flicked away the cigarette, and finally leaned her head to allow for more access. 

“Be careful there,” Casey said. Even though she said it softly in-between breaths, her voice had gotten deeper and rougher. “Don’t start something you can’t keep up with.” 

Alex smirked then said, “See, I knew you still have some fight left in you,” and pulled her back into the apartment before she could say anything else.


	2. Chapter 2

She won her appeal. 

The odds had been explained to her many times. Lionel had been tremendously confident, he said he didn’t even have to fight tooth and nail. She didn’t know if she really had convinced herself that the appeal would fail, but she was in shock. 

It had been a strange limbo. 

She wanted to laugh. To shout. To let out all of the pent up anxiety in some explosive burst. 

She actually won her appeal. 

The news washed over her but never seemed to hit her straight on. She vaguely heard Granger going on and on about how right he was about the probability of it all- “Better odds than Vegas,” he kept repeating. They’d finished up the final paperwork and it was all suddenly over. 

He’d left for his office and his next case, assuring her that they would go to dinner soon to celebrate. (And to press her with another job offer, no doubt.) But he sent her off to go share the good news with her colleagues, friends, and loved ones while drinking something giant and festive colored. 

She was finally free to do whatever it was she wanted to do. She wasn’t entirely sure what that was anymore. 

She didn’t really want to talk to anyone just yet. Instead, she found herself walking aimlessly - looking around at everything, window shopping, people watching. 

Her eyes kept seeing long blond hair everywhere, and she realized that there was one person that she felt like calling with the news. 

She had honestly tried to enjoy that night for what it was. It had been weeks, but she couldn’t unsee the line of Alex’s neck. The curvature of her back. Her smooth, precise hands. The satisfied smile whenever she elicited certain reactions. The constant push to fight her suspension.

She knew who she was going to share the news with first. 

-

“Cabot, Hi,” she said. “It’s Novak.”

“Yes, hello Casey,” Alex laughed. “I think it’s safe to say that we’ve reached the first names stage. I know for a fact that you know mine.”

Casey shook her head and her eyes turned upward at the smugness in Cabot’s voice that always managed to be charming. Finally, she continued in a quiet voice. “I wanted to let you know. I went ahead with the appeal.”

“And?”

“They fined me the cost of the disciplinary proceedings but they softened the censure and reduced the suspension.”

“Did they give you credit for-“

“Time served,” Casey said, her voice revealing her smile. “Yes. I’ve got my license back.”

“That is excellent news,” Alex said. 

“Yeah,” Casey said. “It was a better outcome than I could have hoped for.”

“You should be celebrating.”

“I’m mostly in shock. It was the biggest thing hanging over me for the longest time and now it’s just suddenly over.”

Alex tutted. “It’s not that safe to wander manhattan in a daze. You and your grown up decisions might need supervision.”

“Yes, unsupervised, I did some shopping as I walked home.”

“Got a new suit lined up already?”

Casey laughed. “No, I did find a great pair of jeans though.”

“Well now, Casey,” she said, teasing smirk evident in her tone. “There’s no need to overdo it.”

Casey laughed. “They are really nice jeans,” she stopped briefly to look at the fit in her mirror again. “They do wonders for my ass.”

“Your ass didn’t need any help.”

Casey let her laughter peel over. 

Alex smiled and waited for it to die down before continuing. “So-”

“So?”

“Are you going to talk to McCoy?”

Casey sighed. “Not yet.”

“Are you planning to?”

“Maybe,” Casey said. 

“Casey- you don’t even know the insane rotation he has the senior ADAs on to cover for your absence.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready. At the very least, I’ve lost my edge. And I’m going to need some serious time to prepare for all the future ADA Novak is known to withhold evidence objections,” she sighed. “At least now I can take over some of the projects I’m working on. There are some human rights cases. There’s this journalist in jail in Southeastern Europe, and there are some others.”

“You just referred to yourself as ADA Novak. Can you honestly tell me you don’t miss prosecuting?”

“No,” she sighed. “Okay. I can’t. You know I’ll call him eventually.”

“Well, I have to tell you, your news made my day. Thank you for letting me know.”

-

Casey thought that was the end of it. And it was a rather nice, tucked in end. It even quelled a few of her preoccupying thoughts. 

And then she got a call. 

“I was wondering when you wanted to come over again.”

She smiled, against her will, but she smiled. “Does that unfettered arrogance work for you often?” she said. 

“Yes,” Alex said, her tone dead serious. 

Casey’s chest shook with laughter and she pulled her phone away for a second to regroup. 

“Well, not to feed your ego any more, but, in all honesty, it would be the last offer I would refuse,” Casey admitted and sighed. “However, I’m cooking and I’ve been simmering this sauce for a while now. It’s my grandmother’s recipe and she will come back from beyond and haunt me if I wreck it now.”

“You cook?” Alex said. 

“Occasionally,” her voice took on a sardonic tone. “I’ve had some time on my hands.” She bit her lip but said, “You could come over here.” She didn’t know where the bold sensuality came from, but she was proud of how casually confident she sounded. 

“I suppose I could,” Alex said. 

-

Casey answered the door in a black tank top with a neckline low enough to reveal the soft inner curves of her breasts. “Come in.”

Alex let her eyes roam over the woman and grinned and motioned toward the lower half of Casey’s ensemble. “Are those evidence of your decision making skills?”

Casey smiled and turned around for show. 

“They really do flatter your ass.”

“I told you,” Casey smirked and motioned her to follow into the kitchen. “Now, come here and taste this,” she offered a sauce ladened spoon. 

“Take charge in your own environment, do you?” 

Casey smirked in response. 

Alex raised an eyebrow but tasted the sauce. “That is amazing,” she said. “I can’t believe how good it is.”

“It just takes patience,” she said. Then she furrowed her brows. “And a lot of stirring. It’s one of my specialties.”

“What are the others?”

“Breakfast, chicken soup, and seared steak,” she said from the stove.

“Good to know,” Alex said, coming up behind the woman and pressing her body to Casey’s back to whisper in her ear. “How much longer do you need to baby this sauce?”

“Just a little while longer,” her voice cracked and cleared her throat. “Do you want something to drink? I have some Bordeaux open.”

Alex stepped back and let Casey pour her a glass of wine. 

“I have to admit, I’m a little surprised you came over,” she said. 

“You seemed to need some help celebrating properly.”

Casey shook her head. “I mean, I’m just wondering why I would be lucky enough,” she paused trying to figure out how to finish the end of her thought. “To celebrate with you.”

“Our last meeting was rather successful,” she said and placed her wine glass on the counter.

Casey grinned. “Yes, it was.”

“Enough that I thought it bore repeating,” she smirked and stepped closer. “I assumed by your invite over here, that you agreed.”

Casey cleared her throat. “Obviously, but…”

“We seem to get along well, and that is refreshing. And despite being a little slow on the uptake…” she smirked as Casey swatted her. “You’re attractive, you’re smart,” she said, “You nearly matched me for conviction rates.”

“I did match your conviction rates!”

Alex laughed this time. “See, you’re funny too.” She got a predatory gleam in her eyes.

“Alex,” she protested, unable to figure out the right words to explain the disparity that surely was there. “You’re beautiful in a way that stops people in the streets.” Finally she shook her head and said, “You could have anyone you wanted.”

“It seems you’re also very sweet.” Alex smiled. “Look, Casey… I simply wanted to see you again.”

The long smooth fingers of Alex’s free hand slid around Casey’s waist, slipping under the hem of her shirt. Fingernails tickled her lightly along her ribs before teasing soft curves. 

“I really do need just two minutes to get the heat down and cover this up,” Casey breathed. 

Alex took pity on her and returned to her wine to give Casey room to clean up. At least she was efficient and tidy as she finished up and began putting things away.

“What’s with all the sneakers lined up at your door?” Alex said. “I’m definitely one for shoes but that seems excessive.”

Casey put down the dish she had been rinsing. She cleared her throat and finally answered. “For running, trail running, different sports…”

“You really are rather active then.” Alex said.

“From time to time,” Casey said.

“And presently?”

“Haven’t felt like it much.”

Alex raised her eyebrows skeptically and tsked. “It would probably make your time off more productive. Endorphins have many lovely side effects,” she said, reaching over and running a hand across the back pockets of Casey’s jeans.

Casey reached for a dish towel to dry her hands and finally turned to face her tormentor. “Quit playing camp counselor,” she said. 

“Maybe I have a thing for toned legs.” Alex said, lightly. 

“Seriously?”

“Seriously? You seem, a little happier. Is it just the appeal?” She leaned in closer, laughing when Casey moaned as she captured her earlobe lightly with her teeth. “I was wondering if you were taking advantage of your time away,” she whispered, letting her hands wander again. “To at least do things you like to do. To relax.”

Casey had liked that Alex liked to talk during sex, but it seemed like Alex could get on a topic…

“Too much time on your hands isn’t always a good thing,” she said. “And it isn’t always easy to relax.”

“You know, you’re wound so tight,” Alex continued, her voice edging on kindness as much as it was flirtatious . “When you do actually relax, you’re a different person. It makes me wonder what else you’re keeping hidden in there.” 

“A girl’s got to have some mysteries now, doesn’t she,” Casey said, proud that she managed a response at all.

“Well I’m betting that there are some kinds of sounds that you were never planning on letting anyone hear. And I bet I get to hear them tonight.” 


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn’t the first time she woke up with Alex in her bed. 

However, it was the first time she absolutely had to get up and moving at what now seemed like an unreasonably early hour. 

Sleepovers weren’t really supposed to happen. Not that they had actually talked it out. They had both just been aware of what this was and what it wasn’t, and hadn’t really left the possibility open for sleepovers - for the most part. But as they got more comfortable with each other; with spending time together, with sleeping together on a semi-regular basis, those unspoken boundaries started to become malleable. 

Casey had had and inkling last night, that this was a possibility when they decided to get together. It didn’t seem to matter though, in the evening light when they both had wanted to see each other, as well as blow off some steam, the next day’s schedules hadn’t seemed that much of a hurdle. 

She gently sat down on the bed next to the woman who still hadn’t moved. 

“Alex,” she whispered and kissed the sleeping woman on the cheek to try, again, to wake her. 

She had thought she had made some leeway earlier, before her shower, when she had rubbed small circles on the slumbering woman’s back, her skin still sleep-warm under the sheets on Casey’s bed. 

It was a huge testament to her progress into upward mobility (and out of the legal hole she had dug herself) that she was able to tear herself away at all. She almost, almost couldn’t. She hadn’t wanted to undress and climb back into bed this badly in a long time. 

Probably ever. 

“Hmm,” was vaguely mumbled back. Alex’s head hadn’t even moved from it’s spot, nestled and nearly buried in the pillows. 

“Alex,” she said, soft laughter making its way into her voice and tone. She gently brushed the hair out of Alex’s face. There were so many possibilities for teasing that came to mind. About wearing each other out and the stupidity of provoking each other, one upping each other, so late on a work night. How neither of them were able to resist a chemistry that felt damn near perfect at times. But that… even broaching that idea in teasing, well, she would need a lot more courage.

“How are you such a morning person?” Alex said with all of the enthusiasm of a groan. 

Casey smiled at being able to finally getting a full sentence out of the woman. “I just am,” she said, softly. “But I also have a meeting in forty-five minutes.”

“Oh,” Alex said, and sleepily tried to shuffle into a somewhat-close-to-sitting position. 

“You don’t have to get up,” Casey said. 

“I’ll get moving,” Alex said. “I wouldn’t want to make you late-“

“Alex,” Casey said, softly resting her hand on Alex’s arm, halting further arguments. “My door locks automatically. Take your time. But I should leave soon.”

“Well, that’s a shame,” Alex said, trying to sound like her normal, confident self. She fingered the lapel of Casey’s suit, took in a slow inhale to help wake up, and took in the woman after she could open her eyes. 

She sighed softly. There was a heavy pause, where Alex’s brain desperately tried to wake up enough to consider the situation. Casey looked good, solid and confident in her suit. Casey seemed to have had an hour on her to get freshly ready- her skin was still slightly flushed from the shower, and her hair smelled of her coconut scented shampoo. Alex blinked hard though, and tried to catch up once more. “You should have woken me up earlier. Mornings could be much more fun.”

The false swagger that Alex had tried to inject into her voice did not work as Casey nearly scoffed. “If you get your ass out of bed, there will be some breakfast still warm for you.” 

“What?” Alex said, and couldn’t prevent her eyes from widening slightly in alarm. 

“Calm down,” Casey said, smirking at her. “It’s wasn’t domesticity delivered by Uhall. It’s not pancakes or anything special. I made eggs and toast for myself and just made a bit extra in case you were hungry- which my brothers assured me is what you do for a girl if she sleeps with you and accidentally stays over.” 

“I don’t rate pancakes?” Alex said, sounding a bit more awake and a whole lot more like herself, even managing an egotistical tone.

“Maybe when you wake up in my bed without panic in your eyes.” Casey smiled to soften the honesty of the statement. 

“And what do I get if someday, if that were to happen, and you are not leaving for a meeting, and I don’t have motions to deal with later?”

“Well…,” Casey paused. Her traitorous heart skipped a beat as the possibility of that future moment flared in her mind and her heart thumped hard to catch back up. She powered through though. “If that were the case, someday, and we had time, then you might get crepes or a french omelette.”

“Hmm,” calculations could be seen in Alex’s eyes. She continued. “And what if that wasn’t panic you saw?” 

“No? Then what was it that I could have possibly seen?” Casey said. If someone could have rolled their eyes with delight hidden in the sarcasm of the action, it would have been Casey in that moment. 

“This,” Alex said. “Is just what happens to my face when someone tries to talk to me before I’ve had coffee.” 

Casey laughed. She laughed and looked at Alex and thought she could see something in Alex’s smile. Maybe it was fondness. Maybe she was engaging in wishful thinking. She was sleeping with a woman whom she adored. Already. Maybe even from the start. But then again, it was Alexandra Cabot. Perhaps adoration was just a foregone conclusion. She decided to give herself a break for it, either way. 

“Well, then,” Casey continued. “You should know I left enough coffee for you too.” She bent down and softly kissed Alex one last time. “But I have to go.”

“Have a good meeting,” Alex said, something still a little off in her tone. 

“Thanks,” she said. “Good luck with those motions.”

-

Alex leaned against the countertop, coffee mug in hand, and sighed. Waking up in somebody else’s home had never been terribly relaxing to her. She should have felt more uncomfortable, and ready to dash back to her place to reset before heading to work. 

After the end of a very long day yesterday, she promised herself that she didn’t have to rush this morning. That was her entire reasoning for allowing herself to come over last night. That, and that they had usually kept their visits to when neither of them had work the next day, but as Casey had begun freelancing, they didn’t have a lot of matching free time. It was somewhat of an indulgence. 

Lately the woman had been on her mind more often than she cared to admit. Perhaps it was because she felt at ease around her. They had been intent on learning each other’s every contour, not realizing half of the personal information that they revealed in between talking about work or trading sarcastic barbs. Casey was inquisitive without being intrusive, and she dropped subjects readily if Alex was obviously avoiding them, more than prepared to trade a kiss for an answer.

Still too relaxed for her own comfort, Alex sat in a large and very faded NY Marathon t-shirt as she forked at the breakfast left for her. If she had to guess, she would have expected Casey to have yogurt or muesli or fruit for breakfast, but this was simple and better than it had a right to be. 

She sipped her coffee and tried not to think about any of it.


	4. Chapter 4

Serena Southerlyn had learned early on in their friendship not to be surprised by Alex Cabot. 

And whenever she was actually surprised by her, she often chose to be amused by it.

“So,” she said elongating the syllable and raised her eyebrows as she watched Alex add cream and sugar to her coffee. “Casey Novak.”

“Yes,” Alex said matter of fact, still stirring her coffee and trying to stare Serena down. “I enjoy spending time with her.” 

“I’ll bet,” Serena said, her croissant now forgotten as was the rest of brunch. In fact, she now seemed perfectly content with just her smirk and her coffee. 

Alex was one of her oldest friends and possibly the closest. She knew her well enough to know that Alex would either get irritated by the silence and start sharing what Serena wanted to know, or succumb to Serena’s inevitably, increasingly-pressing questions. 

After half a cup of coffee’s worth of silence, she decided to continue. “So tell me, is it fun to date a red head. Are the stereotypes true?”

“We’re not dating.”

“No?” Serena chided with a full smile. 

“We spend time together but it’s nothing official.”

“Come on, give me something. I have nothing going on worthy to share about.”

“You’re throwing a big party next weekend. Surely there are some last minute details you are fretting about, plus there has to be at least one or two of the invited taking up some of your attention.”

“Oh please, I could plan that party in my sleep, and like I said, I have no news at all on the dating or not-dating front.” Serena said. “The way you are not talking about this makes it seem like there is, indeed, something to talk about.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Well at least tell me something about her.”

“She’s smart, straightforward,” she paused. “Guileless.” Alex smiled to herself and shook her head and shrugged before looking up at Alex again. “I like spending time with her.”

“Not dating,” Serena said, trying it out again. She kept her tone only lightly mocking. “Really now, why would you want to date someone you like - and enjoy spending time with.” 

Alex let out a subtle, frustrated little sigh. “Look how bad I made things when I tried going the normal route last time.”

“You weren’t the only one in that relationship, Alex.”

“I called off an engagement.”

“It’s not like you left him at the altar.”

“No, but I complicated relations between our families. Not to mention,” her voice grew quieter. “I broke his heart.”

“Again, you weren’t the only one in that relationship,” Serena said. “Is that why you’re so intent on things being different this time?”

She raised her chin up. “It is just relatively new, and… we’re having fun. She’s a fun person to spend time with.”

“Well that’s good to know. Word on her is that she’s a pill in court, though most of that comes from defense attorneys, so you can take it with a grain of salt. I only ever interacted with her a few times back in the day.” She sipped her coffee considering her next comment. “You never had a problem in the past finding someone to spend time with. One that you didn’t know professionally.”

“Maybe I’m evolving. Do you have a particular problem with her?”

“No, I don’t at all. In fact, under all the sarcasm she seems nice - almost girl next door. You just don’t usually go for that.”

Alex let out a soft little laugh. “She does end up rinsing my dishes and starting the dishwasher.”

“Doesn’t she know you live and die by maid service?”

“She can’t seem to help herself.” Alex smiled briefly and then continued after a thoughtful pause. “Why is it that you think I wouldn’t be interested in the girl next door?”

“Oh, please.” Serena rolled her eyes. “I just never would have pictured you two together. And- you’re both so stubborn. If she dug in her heels like I think she would, I’d imagine the fights would be spectacular.”

“I wouldn’t know. We don’t fight. She doesn’t… create any complications.”

“Well, at least it’s better than the last one, he did enjoy the complications. But then again you plowed into that so fast… not to mention out… come to think of it, I never did get back that engagement gift,” she smirked. 

“I let him keep it,” Alex said. “He really liked making those fussy, artistic lattes.”

“Glad something good came out of that whole-” she made a vague motion with her fingers searching for the right word. 

“Mistake?”

“Oh, honey, you were trying to get your life back, you just tried a little too hard,” Serena said. 

Alex rolled her eyes at her. 

Serena motioned the waitress for more coffee. “You can’t deny that you are just that driven sometimes. You have always been able to see what you want, immediately go after it and unlike most mortals, actually get it.”

“What are you implying? ” Alex looked at her with a frown. 

“What I’m implying, or asking really, is - is this really your next plan? Something you want to head full steam at?”

“No. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you during this entire conversation. Can’t I just be living in the moment for once?”

“That’s fine, but you have to admit that you both are in a vulnerable place. You can’t tell me you’re back to your old self yet. This could be considered rebound territory. Not to mention the mother of all rebounding from losing your life. And as far as Novak goes, eventually she is going to get over being whipped by the bar and losing her job. She’ll either come to terms with it, or get back on her feet. And when that happens, because she’s a girl next door, she’s going to ask you where this is going. I know this because it’s exactly what happened to me after I got fired.”

“I know.”

“That or you’re going to break down and ask her first… either way.”

“I know.”

“Do you have feelings for her?”

“She grows on you,” Alex said. But her eyes were soft and staring away from the table.

“Oh, Alex,” she shook her head. She knew Alex was scared, and really didn’t want to think about her feelings, so like always she refused to.   
“I’m just not sure what it is that I want or need anymore. So, I’ve decided to let myself enjoy-” Alex sighed. “She’s easy to be with.”

“Because she doesn’t question you? That can’t last that long, she’s probably just stunned in the great Alex Cabot wake.”

“It’s not like that,“ Alex snapped. She looked down at her refilled coffee and softened her voice. “I don’t think that’s true.” 

“Are you sure?” Serena said. It was calm and honest. It might have sounded condescending if they hadn’t know each other so well. 

“It’s simply still casual and hasn’t been going on all that long,” Alex said, and shrugged, looking unsure for the first time in this conversation.

“It seems just a bit more than casual, Alex.”

“She lets me be,” Alex said quietly. “She takes me at my word, and she doesn’t try to fix anything.” 

“So, she’s afraid to push you?” She paused for a long time. 

“I think she just gets me,” Alex said. “I’m really starting to like her.” Alex didn’t smile, but her face relaxed in an obvious way that caused Serena to beam. 

“Bring her to my party then,” she wiggled her eyebrows and smirked. 

Alex pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes. 

“It’s just an offer. People take their lovers to weekends in the Hamptons all the time. Especially their casual lovers.” Serena smirked again. “Usually it’s when their spouses are out of town, but still,” she said as her smile grew before she went about fixing her refilled coffee. 

 

—

 

Casey watched Alex intently. She knew Alex could hold the floor of any room, but she hadn’t ever had to use her powers of persuasion to convince Casey of anything previously. She knew Alex was going to prevail, and she was forgetting any objections as fast as her brain could come up with them. 

“So, this would be an overnight trip?” Casey said, trying to remember why she was having second thoughts about this. 

“Yes,” Alex said.

“Together,” Casey’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Look, it’s not a big deal. You’re just coming to a party with me. It happens to be out in the Hamptons. She has a guest room for us to stay in so we don’t have to drive back so late. Nothing complicated about that.” 

“Will I know anyone there?”

“Possibly. But you’ll win the rest of them over easily enough. And with the exception of Serena who pretends she isn’t from Old East Side money, it’ll be a typical Upper West Side crowd. You’ve been working for Emily’s list, mediating for victim services and you helped free that Albanian writer. They’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand.”

Casey smirked. 

“Don’t,” Alex warned. 

“No,” Casey laughed. “Too easy.”

 

—

 

Serena knew how to throw a really good party, Casey decided. She’d done her best and made several rounds, mingling plentifully here and there. She talked to quite a few different groups of people. Eventually, the crowd multiplied and grew louder to match the music levels. Casey walked around a bit to give herself a breather. 

It was cool and dim near the part of the house that led to the guest wing and away from the center of the entertainment section but the sounds of the party were still gently echoing through the halls. 

“There you are,” Alex said coming down the long hallway.

“I found an empty, quiet, bathroom,” Casey said. “And it’s just calmer over here. I can’t believe you all still want to go sailing. Should I change?”

“It’s beautiful at sunset, you’ll like it. It’ll be just a few of us. And you’re fine, but you might need a jacket.” 

“As long as I can sit out of the way. All I know about sailing comes from movies.”

“I thought you said your dad took you out on the ocean all the time.”

“That was mostly fishing. And not on sailboats, Princess.”

She swatted Casey’s arm and stepped into a loose embrace, using the wall of the hallway alcove to gently trap her. “Have I told you I like it when you wear your hair like this?”

Casey ducked her head. She had a certain crooked smile when she depreciated herself that Alex found both humble and cynical. 

Alex smiled deviously and leaned in close. “It leaves all this,” she nuzzled the redhead’s neck, “open and available.” She laid a loose trail of open-mouthed kisses along her jaw, under her ear and down her neckline.

“Alex,” Casey said, and her voice cracked. The blond knew exactly what she was doing. “Don’t we have to go soon?”

“Not that soon,” She said. She slid her hand into Casey’s hair and pulled her into a series of kisses, each growing more intense than the one that came before.

Casey returned them but when she tried to push off the wall, Alex only pressed her back into it more firmly. Casey tried to laugh, but it sounded remarkably like a gasp. “Alex,” she finally gathered trying for a light hearted tone. “We have a room.”

Alex responded by moving her hand down the front of Casey’s jeans and swallowed the resulting startled moan with another kiss. She let her fingers tease into the wetness she knew she would find there and started a light and gentle, and to Casey’s mind, infuriatingly slow stroking. 

“Alex,” Casey breathed. “We have a bed.” Her hands reached out, suddenly desperate to begin their own roaming, or guide her toward their room, but were swatted away each time. 

Alex chuckled lightly, tinged with amused evil, below Casey’s ear. “No touching or I’ll stop.” 

“Not sure I can do this - standing - here - in the open-“ Casey said in a strangled plea. “Fuck,” she said, “isn’t this… rude?”

“I’m good with right here, and there’s no one around.” Alex said softly, enjoying the slow pace. She continued kissing at Casey’s neck and kept it up long enough for Casey to not care about the time and place. “Or do you want me to stop?”

One of Casey’s hands pressed into the wall for support and the other clenched a fistful of Alex’s shirt. “Don’t you dare.”

Alex laughed. 

“Alex,” Casey whispered, trying desperately to rock her hips into Alex’s hand. But the woman kept adjusting to keep the touch soft and at a slow rhythm. And any time Casey tried to increase the pressure or pace - she would stop. “Please,” she whispered.

Alex shuddered lightly, closed her eyes, and smiled. “No,” she said softly. 

Casey couldn’t help the sound that came out of her in reaction. 

“That please was lovely, though,” Alex said. She slipped her free hand under Casey’s shirt gently soothing and smirked before leaning back in to kiss her, slowly and generously. She gently teased a nipple, warm under her hand. “I have proof that you actually seem pretty happy right here.” 

“Alex,” Casey breathed. 

Casey finally had a coherent enough thought and reached to open the top button on her jeans. Alex smiled into her kiss and lengthened her strokes, but kept them infuriatingly smooth and light, never staying near any particular spot for very long, but not quite staying away either. 

Casey, eventually, had to break from a kiss and pull Alex tight, panting against her neck, trying to release the slowly building pressure. Alex reveled in the embrace but Casey was beginning to tremble. 

“Look at me,” Alex said, her voice a whisper. 

Casey raised her head and stared into her eyes for as long as she could and finally had to close them as her whole body tensed, and shuddering and gasping she pulled hard at Alex, who kissed her to swallow a moan. Finally, she dropped her head onto Alex’s shoulder and stilled. She ran her hand through soft blond hair hen leaned heavily into her. When her breathing calmed and Casey started to support herself once again, Alex removed her hand, causing the red head to quiver slightly. Alex leaned their foreheads together until they heard voices from down the hall calling everyone to the car. 

Casey cleared her throat and then let out something like a laugh that came out more like a breath, “Do you even know what you do to me?” 

Alex gave her a quick kiss. “You should change before we go.”

Casey smirked. “I’ll meet you out there in a minute.”

Alex smiled at her as she walked a little shakily toward their guest room. The smile started to fade though, as she felt the familiar stirring in her heart that she was having a harder and harder time trying to ignore.


	5. Chapter 5

Casey began to regret coming back to the DA’s office from the very moment she agreed to come back to the DA’s office. 

The first case back, the first day back for that matter, only confirmed that regret for her. 

She regretted always needing to do the right thing and that her heart had decided long ago that doing the right thing meant fighting for these victims. 

She regretted having an ego to appease.

She regretted her intrinsic need to prove herself and rehab her reputation, not just for herself, but for the people who helped her too. 

She regretted putting this much pressure on herself. 

And most of all, she really, really, regretted giving up smoking once again. 

Not that anyone could smoke in a bar anymore. 

Not that it didn’t at least make Alex happier.

But still. It would help her wallow. She really felt the need to wallow.

Tonight she chose to solitarily sit with her regret and feed it a strong drink. She let herself wade in the frustration of the day, her tension keeping a wide birth around her while it lasted. 

The familiar presence of a particular body unobtrusively slipping into the barstool next to her did little to raise her spirits. 

The day had gone from nerve wracking to abysmal and there was already plenty going through her mind when Elliot decided to find her out. 

She really hadn’t been gone all that long, and still she had forgotten how well this squad knew her. Elliot had slipped right back into older-brother mode around her, and he knew just how much she would be affected by the instability of this case. 

This day had been -so -very -long.

-Alex’s kiss on her cheek that morning felt like ages ago. 

_“I know it’s your first day back, and you look ready to faint at any moment. - I’m not here for anything in particular,” she stopped and looked around the hallway. “Just come here.” She pulled Casey into her office briefly and kissed her on the cheek. “Remember to breathe,” she said._

The simple, harmless, friendly, gesture hit her deeper than it had any right to. Her cheek still faintly tingled like there was an imprint left behind. The move had caught Casey by surprise and brought with it a whole different set of nerves. 

 

-

 

She swirled the whiskey around the ice in her glass and watched it for a moment before placing it back on the bar. She studied the man next to her. Elliot looked just the same: friendly, tired, and resigned. Still, she had always liked him and the corners of her mouth quirked in greeting. 

“You always did know where to find me after a bad day.” 

“I’m an expert on bad days,” he said. “How’s it going?” 

“I thought it would be easier than this - coming back. Like riding a bike.” She obviously wasn't ready if she couldn’t get her defenses up. She readily questioned her ability to take the sharp turns once again.

“The job is the same,” he said. “You’ve always been good at that.” 

“I don’t know if I have it anymore. I mean, look how quickly this case went south.” 

“They all do somehow. You’ve hardly been gone - you’ll catch up.”

“I was gone long enough to have forgotten what that pressure felt like.” She ran her fingers around the edge of her glass. “There are people who helped me get back. People I can’t,” her voice cracked. “disappoint. If I lose this one straight out of the gate…” 

“So don’t, do something. Save this for the win,” he said, moving the drink away from her. 

Casey knew he was right. Knew she shouldn’t get waylaid in hesitation and frustration. The resolution to the case ended up being acceptable to all parties, and still, there was little relief from it. She plowed into the next one, and the one after with as much focus and force as she could muster. 

 

-

 

Casey had just finished up with Rollins when she was served with the notice of the defense’s new expert witness. She had varying degrees of respect and fondness for each of the detectives in the SVU squad, but Rollins was growing on her. By Casey’s own hand, work was overwhelmingly busy. She was leaving nothing to chance and her hours were showing it. It was making her short and terse, and she had no idea how to stop it from bleeding into all parts of her life. But Rollins seemed to take it less personally than the others. And indeed, they shared a similar sense of humor, as they exchanged the exact same exasperated look after reading the motion Casey was handed. 

It didn’t surprise her, and she had known the defense was going to go down this route. She was bone-deep exhausted and wanted nothing more than to go home and crash. Everything in her wanted to go home for the day and leave it for the morning, but she headed back to her office anyway. She told herself it was to run one more search on the motion and to check her messages. 

The office would be quiet and nearly empty by the time she got there. She wasn’t avoiding Alex, not really, but it wasn't fair to subject her to the wound up ball of stress that Casey knew she was becoming. And she did see her, quite a lot at work. Much more once Alex stepped into the interim bureau chief position for SVU. But on the personal front, it had been a while. It was coming up on the fourth weekend in a row - that they hadn’t seen each other, apart from work. And she missed Alex. 

 

-

 

The day had been interminably long, and her stomach was rumbling by the time she arrived in her office.

“When you said we should talk sometime today,” Casey said, noticing the person that had seemingly taken over her conference table. “I was thinking more that you’d call or text after you’d gone home, rather than camping out to wait for me.” 

Alex looked up from her many documents and smiled. “I wanted to catch you, but you were longer than I thought, so I decided to keep working here.”

“I’m a little afraid to ask, but what did you want to talk to me about?”

“Do you want to grab dinner?” Alex said after a beat.

“With you?”

“Yes,” she said, the amused incredulity showing in her eyes. 

“I really, really do,” Casey said, perking up at just the thought of it. “But I have to read up on the admissibility of forensic scent identification.”

“Has that even passed enough peer review studies to be admissible?” 

“No, but it doesn’t mean they’re not trying.” 

“Well, then,” Alex said. “Shall I encourage you to prep after dinner or leave you to it, but get this talk out of the way first?”

“I - I don’t know.” She had her argument lined up. There was really no way she could be better prepared than she was. She tried to act casual as she stood near her chair, unsure of whether or not she wanted to be sitting. “But now I’m worried that what you want to talk to me about is serious enough to be mitigated by a public space.”

Alex sighed and closed the filed open before her, and then moved to close the door for privacy. “I wanted to speak with you, and I wanted to go to dinner, but I wanted them to be two different things.” She sat down in the seat across Casey. 

“Okay then,” Casey said, and worried her lip for a moment before sitting stiffly in reflex. “How about we talk first.”

Alex sighed, her eyes serious in the fluorescent lights of the office. “It’s about your reacclimation to the department.”

Swallowing, Casey nodded. “Is there a problem with my probation? Am I not meeting the appropriate markers?”

“No, Casey, you are doing fine. Your numbers are actually very good,” she said in what she hoped was a reassuring tone. “I’m not here in an official capacity.”

Casey’s pulse rate slowed a little, but she still had a nervous feeling in the pit of her stomach. “Then what’s going on?”

“You've been back for a while now, but you are still a little on edge and it’s becoming apparent to all parties.”

“What?” The unexpected comment threw her more than Alex being in her office tonight.

“You’ve even made Olivia afraid of you.” 

“Oh please.” She rolled her eyes. “That woman isn’t afraid of anything. You certainly couldn’t tell by the way she told me I’ve lost my nerve.” 

“Her exact words were that her last perp’s knife had a softer edge than you do.” 

Casey felt the corner of her mouth quirk, but she held to her serious expression. “It has been very clear since I came back that she has a problem with me.” 

“She doesn’t. They’re happy you’re back, but they’re not used to the changes in you and need to whine and like to be heard even if they are whining.” 

“I know, and I do listen,” she said with more than a hint of frustration in her voice. “I just can’t do anything about the fact that I have to walk an extremely clean line, they can’t expect me to push the boundaries when I’m being watched from all corners.” 

“Is that what probation feels like to you?” 

“That is the reality of probation.”

“But you feel your every move judged?” Alex said, looking concerned. “That the direct reading of the law is your only choice? That there is no time when you can use your best judgement to determine which way to play your case?”

“Well, shouldn’t I be? Shouldn’t my judgement be doubted? I mean, I deserve all of this. I lost it. What if it happens again?”

“You have to let go of this pressure you are putting on yourself.”

“I owe it to the victims, to everyone I let down,” she continued quietly, “to everyone who helped me get back.”

“You owe it to everyone to grind yourself into the ground? Nobody is holding that lapse against you.” 

“Then why do I still feel so guilty.” 

“I don’t know, why do you feel guilty?”

“Because it’s my fault.” 

“Maybe it is.” 

“I know it is.” She said and dropped her gaze to the desktop in front of her. “I lost all perspective. I am trying so hard to get past it and try to not repeat it.” She worried her lip again, her eyes finally looking up from the desk. “But, it was only once…I fucked up, once. It doesn’t mean it would ever happen again.” 

She looked up at Alex who had her patented, superior-expression on her face. “I knew you would get there.”

Casey sighed. 

“You made a mistake,” Alex said in her most professional tone. “It’s time to forgive yourself and move on. You were on a speeding train for 5 years. And you fell off or jumped off. Now you’re trying to catch up to a moving train. It’s a lot.” 

“Its harder now.” 

“It is coming back to you.”

“How can you tell?”

“You forget I’ve seen you work before your suspension. You’re doing fine, your swagger is even starting to come back.” She’d heard rumors of it, that when Casey was in full ego, commanding mode, it would appear.

“I do not swagger.”

Alex let it go, but mentally filed it to review later. “Surely you must feel your nerve coming back.”

“What if it never comes all the way back?” She hated how easy it was to talk to Alex sometimes, the truths that would come out of her mouth without a second thought. 

“It will,” Alex said. “You have it. You know how good you are.”

“I feel like everyone is waiting for me to fall on my face.” The honesty really was too easy between them sometimes. 

“You are waiting for you to fall on your face. You just need to trust yourself.” 

“You say that like someone who has never had to worry about being good enough.” 

“You think I don’t know that feeling all too well?” Alex’s tone grew sharper and a hint of something ghosted across her face.

“I’m sorry,” Casey said, her frustration deflating. “I didn’t mean that,” she continued genuinely. “I just meant that I always thought of myself as strong. As able to take it. To handle the cases… what it does to you…how it shapes the world. And then out of the blue I hit a tipping point and I didn’t even know I was anywhere near one,” her voice turned quiet. “It turns out that I wasn’t strong at all. I so easily lost it.” 

“But it wasn’t easy or sudden.” Alex said, feeling the weight of Casey’s fear. “It accumulated.” 

“I know you’re right, but I didn’t think it would be so hard to get back.”

“You also have to remember, that your ‘good enough’ was leagues better than everyone else. Let go of some of that pressure and… get up off the dirt.” 

That finally broke her. Alex used a sports metaphor. Against her will, Casey smiled. She couldn’t help herself. “Easier said than done.” 

“Anything worth it always is.” 

“You’re right.”

“I know,” she smirked and the mood in the room shifted and became lighter. 

Casey shook her head and dismissed the immodesty, and continued. “You’re good at this.”

“Am I?” Alex smiled her tight, press-smile. “I'm just here, covering for the position shifting still going on during the traditional work-flow audit every new DA does.”

“You really should take that homicide bureau when they offer it to you.”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“Do you want it?”

“A part of me does.”

“How much a part? Do the other parts get an equal vote?”

Alex smirked, but continued. “When I returned to New York, I accepted Branch’s offer and came back full steam trying to get everything back before I even asked myself if it was what I wanted.”

“Well, what about now?” 

“I can do it.” 

“Of course you can do it, you’re already doing a better job than any other chief and you’re just filling in. You are astounding in court. You have this amazing ability to make everyone believe that you are right.”

“That’s because I am usually right.”

Casey laughed but cleared her throat and tried to continue. “You have great instincts about which laws to stretch, ignore or hold to.” The fact that the woman was indeed right most of the time, if not all, Casey was not going to share with her. “A lot of people really respect you as a chief already. I know I do.”

There was a flicker of uncharacteristic self-consciousness in Alex’s eyes for a moment. She adjusted her posture though, and the ego came back. “That’s just because you haven’t pissed me off yet, Novak,” she smirked. 

Casey grinned, “Just give it time.” She relaxed a beat and her hunger returned two-fold, and announced itself in a loud rumble. 

“Are you ready to get out of here, then?” Alex laughed. 

“Yeah.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the life of me, I can never remember the name of the schmuck that Conviction had Alex ‘engaged’ to so I guessed.

Serena firmly believed that she did her best work when her quality of life, at least her work-life, was at it’s healthiest. Running her own firm demanded a lot of hours in the office. She strategized with a designer to have plenty of natural light, a workspace that cultivated collaboration, and that demonstrated her firm’s commitment and unique presence in the community. She finally had it exactly where she wanted her comfort levels to be; when her friends and family needed her, they knew where they could find her. 

It was, as she designed it, and it had become a constant that she knew Alex counted on. They often spent time here together, though it was usually when one of them was -less than content that she really relied on her home away from home.

She developed a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach earlier in the day, after receiving several texts from Alex asking for some time to talk soon. When she heard the tone in Alex’s voice as she called on her way over, the feeling doubled. 

She was coming to recognize this particular feeling; she’d had a sliver of realization when Alex had come to her after calling her engagement off. 

Alex, before and after her return from witness protection, struck a very delicate balance between herself and happiness. And Serena was starting to be able to tell when Alex was reaching a tipping point. 

-

“The last time we talked,” Serena said, trying to evaluate the quiet audience she had from the moment she greeted her through the entire elevator ride. “I thought things were going pretty good for you.” She keyed open the elevator at her floor and doors slid open.

“They are good.” Alex said. “Everything is fine.” 

It seemed like there was more that Alex wanted to say, as she followed Serena through the understated, elegant halls. For as much as Serena wanted to be patient and not push too hard, her patience had been worn a little thin after a long day and from the growing dread. 

“Right,” she finally said, voice full of sarcasm. “And that’s what’s led you to you darken my door so late in the day”

“Darken your door? You told me tome come by and this isn’t exactly your home,” she said. “This is your office.”

“Same difference. And you’re avoiding.”

“I thought you invited me to talk, not to interrogate me.” 

The statement was ladened with frustration and Serena couldn’t be sure that it was not just a bit laced with hidden emotion. 

“Alex,” she started, full of regret at her frustration. “What happened between you and Casey?” 

“Why would you assume that something happened in that arena.”

“Oh, gee, I don’t know where I could have possibly come up with that? Could it be from the ‘ostensibly, everything is fine’ comment?” 

“I didn’t say _ostensibly_.”

“It was implied.”

Serena led her into her office, hoping that the soft click of the door would provide enough privacy, and whatever else Alex needed, to begin talking. 

“Is it that she’s back to work?” Serena prodded. “I thought she had a fair chance at bouncing back. If not, we’re always looking for good people.”

She guided Alex into her favorite spot. Off to the side of her personal office, in a private nook sat two sculpted chairs and side tables that were placed into a perfect sitting area in front of the best view. Serena loved to end her day with a drink in front of that very view. It was part of the reason she chose this office. 

“No.” Alex scoffed softly, settling into a chair. “Don’t get me wrong, the readjustment was little challenging. She spent so much time on the job that things kind of cooled off for a while.” Alex had missed her during that time, more than she had been willing to admit. 

“But it worked out,” Alex continued. “She bounced back to her former success rate and is an important member of the bureau, so - no poaching.”

Serena’s grin was quick, but she wanted to stay on topic. “So, being her boss has nothing to do with whatever this is?”

“Interim boss,” Alex corrected tiredly. 

Serena raised her eyebrows in doubt.

“What is it that you want me to say? We get along well at work. We are able to work side by side just fine. She knows how to draw the line between the professional and personal.”

“And what about you?” 

“Are you accusing me of being anything but a consummate professional?” Alex spat.

Serena noted the deflection and proceeded to the small bar to fix them both a drink. “I only asked because workplace relationships haven’t exactly panned out for you in the past,” she said, in a delicate tone.

“I wasn’t the one who had trouble keeping the personal out of the office.”

“I remember,” Serena said. Issues at work would cause a flare up of any simmering fights between Alex and Olivia. She could do nothing but watch and listen to Alex as she dealt with the many sudden stops and restarts of their relationship and watch them tear each other apart a little more each time. “I know that made it difficult for you.”

“That relationship was difficult in general.” Alex said tiredly. 

“And what if your position becomes more than temporary? They could make you the permanent bureau chief. Jack likes to appear logical.” 

“Working together doesn't seem to be an issue. She’ll argue her point, but it never gets to the line of insubordination.” 

“Okay,” she said, handing over the drinks and finally sitting down. “Then what happened to freak you out?” 

“I’m not freaked out,” she said taking a beat to collect herself. When she finally did continue, she directed her words toward the twinkling horizon of the cityscape at night. “But you were right. I don’t know where we thought we were going with this.”

Serena looked at her for a long moment trying to make eye contact, but Alex wouldn’t meet her gaze. 

“With you and Casey, still, not-dating.” Serena inwardly chastised herself for the smirk evident in her tone, she didn’t really want to unsettle Alex any further. 

“Yes.”

Serena took a long sip of her drink. “You two have been not-dating for a while now,” she said tiredly, fearing where this conversation was heading. “And everything seems to have been going fine. I was actually starting to get optimistic.”” 

“This whole thing has gotten away from me.” 

Serena raised an eyebrow and watched Alex’s posture, her whole countenance, slowly sink into the chair, deflated. 

“How so?” Serena asked gently. 

“It was supposed to stay light and easy. I don’t understand how it went anywhere.” 

“Okay,” Serena said. She placed her drink down on the side table. She considered the checkered past of Alex’s love life, and what she had been trying to attempt. 

“I should have left it at just the one night.”

“You want to play it that way? Okay,” Serena continued, pulling at that thread. “You wanted one night, but you ended up taking someone home who you found attractive and funny and who turned out to have a lot of the qualities you like in a person.” She paused drawing her attention so she could look in her eyes. “Why wouldn’t you want to keep that going?”

“I wasn’t ready for anything more.” Alex thought she had been so, so careful. 

“Well, at the very least, you have to admit you developed some kind of friendship in there somewhere. That is a definite step away from just sex.”

“The friendship part was never the problem.”

“You don't think it helped complicate things.”

“I don’t know,” Alex said, face stubbornly set. “I think we would have gotten along no matter what. If anything, it seemed like it made things less complicated.”

“I don't see how- Alex, what's going on?” She took a breath and reminded herself not to get annoyed at her friend’s real anxieties. “Is this just a fear of commitment rearing it’s ugly head or did something happen?” 

“The truth always comes out, one way or another, doesn’t it.” And then paused and nursed her drink for a while. 

“Are, you going to actually tell me what happened any time soon?”

Alex sighed with resignation. “Neither of us felt like going anywhere Friday night. We met at the bar, then she brought me to her place and made dinner.” 

“She cooks?”

“Yes. It’s apparently some kind of family tradition,” Alex brushed off the foreign idea with a wave of her hand. “And she took some culinary courses during her suspension.” 

“Nice. What did she make.” 

“It was a seared steak in a pan sauce with wine and thyme.”

“God, that sounds good.” 

“It was. It ended up being a really nice night. ” Alex said. “It was, more than nice,” her voice was low and concentrated with guilt. “A part of me wouldn’t mind making it my Friday night plan in perpetuity.” 

“A pretty woman meets you for a drink. Takes you home. Feeds you and fucks you. Who wouldn’t want that?” Serena said, voice reflecting her growing dread.

“Who indeed,” she said, flatly. 

“You do know that there's no real reason you couldn't keep having Friday nights like that.”

“She said ‘I love you,’ ” Alex’s face was pained. “In her sleep.”

And there it was, Serena thought, the proverbial nail in the coffin. “If she was asleep, then how can you be sure you were the you in question?”

“My name was involved.”

“It was in her sleep… it’s not really fair to judge what someone says in their sleep. Or do you think she meant to slip it in like she was faking sleep? Because she doesn’t seem like she’d be an emotional chicken.”

“No, she’s not. Which means it’s bound to come up sometime soon,” Alex swallowed thickly before continuing. “She talks in her sleep sometimes. It’s not unusual.”

“Maybe she lies in her sleep? I mean, what else does she talk about when she’s sleeping?”

“Sometimes it’s unintelligible, sometimes it is sports, once I swear it was torte reform,” she smiled another sad smile. 

“It doesn’t mean anything tangible, Alex,” she said, guessing where her friend was going next and trying to cut to the chase. “She could have been dreaming, or hey, maybe she just loves you more than she loves torte reform.”

Alex sat up a bit straighter into the chair and stared back into the view in front of them. 

“How did you two get this far without talking about any of this?” Serena said before she quickly finished the rest of her drink. “Because, this revelation isn’t really that surprising.” 

“We talked enough when it started to assure that this was… monogamous.” 

“How did that go? I have no interest in sleeping with other people as long as I’m casually sleeping with you?”

“Not exactly those words.”

“That’s romantic.” 

“I wasn't looking for romance.” She breathed out slowly and looked up with eyes dark blue with emotion. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Serena tapped her fingers agains her glass. “Alex. Just because she has feelings for you, it does not mean that you need to end things. I know it may sound radical, but you could consider resolving your issues without calling off your relationship.” 

“It’s never really been a relationship.” 

“Bull fucking shit,” she said. She knew that her friend had very real issues, but also didn’t want those issues to become so paralyzing, or worse, cause her to throw away someone who made her happy. Serena reached deep inside for the patience than she didn’t really feel at the moment. “It is or at least it should be.” 

“I need to try and at least save the friendship, and our working relationship.”

“Again, that’s an insane way to make a friend,” she said. “And you already have friends as well as work allies.”

“You were right, you know.”

She smiled. “Of course I was… but about what this time?”

“I am very good when I know what I want.” 

“Yes,” Serena said. “You are.” 

“And when I don’t-” 

“Alex,” Serena said, interrupting her train of thought. “You love her. Don’t you want her in your life?”

“I don’t,” she protested. “I can’t-“

“You want to play it that way, fine. But you were in a relationship with someone you were not in love with, and that didn’t work out for you. And the thought of being in one with someone you do have feelings for, because I know you do, this is somehow equally unacceptable? How does that work? Are you trying to force yourself to end up alone?”

Alex didn’t answer for a long time. “I don't get to keep people,” she said softly. 

Serena’s voice lowered to match Alex’s low tone. “Everyone has issues,” she let go a long, weighted sigh. “At least you’ve earned yours.”

“I’ll be fine. I know how to be alone.” Alex’s expression grew pained again, and tears started to form in her eyes. “There was a moment, yesterday- I saw her briefly at work, she stopped in to say goodbye before she left. The way she looked at me,” Alex tapered off. 

“Like you hung the moon.”

Alex looked at her. 

“You know, I really was starting to root for you two, hoping that this right here wouldn’t happen - you getting hurt. And the thing is, you’re doing it to yourself.” 

“It’s just time to end it.” 

“Why?” 

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

“You’re going to hurt her by breaking it off.”

“If I let this go on, It’s just going to hurt that much more later.”

“You don’t know that.” 

She shook her head.

“Everybody changes, Al.” 

“Nobody really changes.” 

“You are allowed to change. Not just because of what you’ve been through. Though that would be enough. But people are allowed to grow. You are allowed to try and be happy.”

“You make it sound so easy. You know it’s not.” 

Her defenses where back up again, and her stubborn streak was always unbreakable. 

“She’s not demanding anything. She’s not crowding you. She’s not asking anything of you. She’s just in love with you. Why is that so terrible?” Serena’s tone was in incredulous.

“I don’t know. But it was always going to end. I just didn’t expect it to sneak up on me.”

Serena nodded absently. “You should go.” 

“You are kicking me out?” she said, the sarcasm present in her voice even if it was hollow and a bit lost.

“It’s late,” she said. “And you know I love you, and I know this is hard for you, but this is a little bit insufferable.” 

“You’re funny,” she said, trying to diminish the feeling that Serena was disappointed in her. 

“Alex, you have something good - and you want to just stick a fork in it and walk away. Some of us can’t get anywhere close to that. I know you need to do what’s right for you, and I am here for you,” she said. “But I’m kicking us both out, because I am going to need something stronger than what I have here to be supportive.”


	7. Chapter 7

“Your pen hasn’t moved in ten minutes.”

The familiar voice jarred Casey out of her frozen headspace. She looked up at Rollins, mildly embarrassed about being caught so inattentive and not hearing the approaching footsteps.

“What?” she said, puzzled. “I’m just finishing up, must have zoned out.”

“Okay, we’ve had the longest week I can remember, so you are more than entitled to zone out.” Amanda Rollins said, understanding evident in her tone, as well as the light southern drawl that came out stronger in her voice when she was tired. “We caught, solved, and closed two cases today alone. I know you already sent the plea paperwork in, so what are you still doing here?”

Casey knew she was as tired as any of the SVU, and even as exhausted as she was emotionally, as well as physically, denial still popped to the forefront of her mind. “Just crossing the ’T’s,” she said.

The look on Rollins face revealed just how much she believed that.

It was Friday night after a hellish week and all she wanted to do was to work. It was, she thought, healthy enough as a coping mechanism. In fact, it was one thing that was familiar enough to help keep the heartache at bay. She was just trying to keep busy enough to ignore her brain which seemed to like torturing her in quiet moments, replaying the end of things on a loop.

> _“Why are you picking a fight?”_
> 
>   
>  _Her question, centered in hurt confusion was met with a heavy silence. So heavy, that when paired with Alex’s posture and demeanor, could only see one conclusion. “Oh,” she said, and grew quiet herself. But after a moment she took a deep breath and forced herself to continue._
> 
>   
>  _“Alex, please don’t do this,” she pleaded softly._
> 
>   
>  _“It was always going to happen like this. It was always meant to end.”_
> 
>   
>  _On some deep and mostly subconscious level, she knew that she agreed with Alex. That she had also, somehow, expected this to happen. At least that was what she told herself. There simply was not enough luck in her life, or grace, for her to be able to make it with someone like Alex. It didn't mean it didn't hurt._

 

“You know, any other night I’d give you a pass,” Rollins continued, and waited for Casey to look at her to make sure she was paying attention again. “But tonight? I’m not buying it.”

“No?”

“Nope.”

“You have something against being thorough?”

She rolled her eyes. “Your reputation for case prep is legendary, but this is a little more than staying into the wee hours fine-tuning a closing argument.”

“Legendary? Is that a nice way of saying that I have a reputation for being a workaholic and a detail-oriented tyrant?”

“Now, come on,” she smirked. “I wouldn’t use the word tyrant.”

Casey shook her head, but laughed lightly in spite of her mood.

“Really, the word on you is much better than you think. Just that you give everything to every case, no matter if it’s on the front page or a minor felony, whether or not anyone is paying attention.”

“So, what? This is you, paying attention?”

“I’m a detective.” She smiled through yet another smirk. “You want me to sum it up like an incident report - you’re working late, here, instead of your office, instead of going home… You want me to sick Wong on you? Or you want to tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing. I’m fine,” she shook her head and dismissed the notion with a light wave of her hand.

“Okay,” Rollins drawled out, disbelieving. “You’re fine.”

“Seriously, there’s nothing wrong.”

“Are you avoiding something at home?”

“Trust me,” Casey said, voice twinging with bitterness. “There is nothing I’m avoiding at home,” Caseys said. “I’m just busy.”

“Ah…” she said, seemingly with sudden realization. She paused in consideration for a moment. “Okay then. If you are looking for something mindless to keep you busy, how about you come with me.”

“I’m not really up for a drink right now.”

“I know something better,” she smiled. It wasn’t a smirk, but there was some spark of amusement in it. “And I have it on good authority that you are inclined to it, too.”

“Okay, wait,” Casey said “Just what are you talking about?”

“Get your gym bag, because I could use a running buddy.”

Casey scoffed. “You would be highly disappointed… it’s been a while. I probably have an abysmal pace.”

“I can deal with it if you can.”

“Isn’t it getting dark?”

“Come on, we can run along the Hudson River Park. It’s well lit and never desolate. What do you say? It’ll at least be better than being here.”

“Maybe,” Casey said. “But, really, I wouldn’t be any fun.”

“That’s Okay. As long as your moving.”

 

-

 

They ran along the granite pedestrian path, rather than the bike path, and were fairly quiet until they passed the big bronze apple sculpture that still had tourists flocking around it. Whether it was the ambient chatter of the tourists or just a second wind, Rollins started talking. Random conversation, updates on her life and those of the squad, the weather and season, favorite jogging paths.

“Sorry for yammering at you,” she said about the one sided conversation that she’d been holding up. “It always takes two or three miles, and then my brain just wakes up,” she explained. “But you can chime in here anytime about whatever’s eating at you.”

“It was a breakup,” Casey admitted.

“See, mile three is magic,” Rollins knowingly smiled. “It explains a few things. But, I’m sorry, that sucks… what happened?

“I told her I was in love with her, and she called it off.”

 

> _“Are you aware you stopped talking.”_
> 
> _“I was just thinking.”_
> 
> _"About what?”_
> 
> _“About the fact that I’m in love with you.” She’d held it in for so long, and she’d thought of a hundred different ways to try and tell her. This was not how she thought it would happen. And she was frozen now, trying to concentrate on just breathing._
> 
> _Alex said nothing._
> 
> _“I didn’t mean it to sound so blunt,” Casey said, when the room got a little too quiet._
> 
> _“You’re a blunt person,” was all Alex said, then her jaw clenched._
> 
> _“You don’t have to say anything,” Casey said, her voice was quiet but pleading. “I don’t expect you to say anything.”_
> 
> _“I have to go.”_
> 
> _“Yeah,” Casey said, throat clenching. “That is a lot closer to what I was expecting.”_

 

“That really sucks,” Rollins said, bringing Casey back to the present again. “Breakups are the worst. I always end up cutting my hair without thinking it through, and that’s never a good idea.”

Casey laughed a that and slowed to a walk to stretch out a cramp. “I ended up going blond once.”

Rollins looked at her, trying to picture the lighter hair. “Doesn’t sound that bad… whereas I once ended up with a pixie cut.”

“Ooh,” Casey said. “That’s short.”

“Yep,” she laughed. “So, should I expect a platinum return?”

“Not this time… I know I’ve been working a lot, but it seemed better than other coping mechanisms.”

“Well I would say yes, but the reality of this work… maybe a different outlet might be healthier, or at least less depressing.”

“You’re probably right,” she said. “But then I have to think about the reality that nothing works but time.”

“Copy that,” Amanda said, in the worlds strongest ditto tone.

Casey stretched once more than then righted to start running again. “Maybe the run will help.”

“Probably,” Amanda said, matching the new pace. “But we’ll have to put in a few more miles to make sure.”

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” Casey grudgingly agreed.

“And, hey, a few more days like this might get you back up to speed. You might have the makings of a good running partner.”

Casey snorted. After another quarter mile, she spoke again. “Thanks,” she said. “I mean it.”

“Well, I like you better than some of the other adas… but you know, beyond being a team, I also understand.”

“Well, hopefully it’ll pass soon.”

“Yep. Just keep running.”

“That sounds suspiciously Disneyish.”

“Well, I should have said, keep jogging. Because your pace is horrible.”

“I told you it had been a while.”

“Well, speed it up Novak, or organized crime is going to dust us in the half marathon.”

“You signed me up?”

Rollins laughed out loud. “Not yet, but I’m going to tomorrow morning. I know they’ve been asking you for weeks. I mean come on, Olivia said you ran the NY marathon. So, I was hopeful I could talk you into it.”

“Is that all?”

“I may have implied to the desk sergeant downstairs that we have enough entrants when we do not. So, please? It’s good to have a goal to train to.”

“I guess a defined goal wouldn’t hurt.”

 

-

 

 

The interns were calling it self-care.

Casey kept overhearing her name in conversations about life-balance - but they sounded like they were using her as a good example of how to handle being a prosecutor.

She would have laughed if she could get past the ridiculous, sad, irony.

But she had to admit that she was doing everything she could think of to make work just a bit more easy to tolerate.

She made herself eat breakfast. She kept to Rollin’s running schedule - which did have the added benefit of actually helping with sleep.

She’d even started to play music at work, softly from the speaker on the shelves behind her desk. Classical, mainly - variety mix sometimes - never, ever jazz.

Some of it helped. But mostly, she felt like she was scrambling through, trying hundred little things to make herself feel better.

She really did not want to be so obvious as to march through the halls of the office in a melancholy autopilot with an incredibly short fuse.

The immediate aftermath of Alex ending things had not made work easy.

No matter how hard she tried, her attempts at radio silence could only last a few days at a time. Work had been busy, and her cases were straightforward enough that she didn’t have to seek out any individual contact with Alex too often. But her heart still quickened when Alex was around.

She debated seeking out even more cases, but she didn’t want Alex to know how much she wanted to stay busy. She found a reprieve though, when the flu took down two other ADAs.

 

-

 

She took a deep breath to slow her heart rate and walked into Alex’s office.

“Judge Bradly just sent Hardwicke to the ER for nearly passing out in chambers.”

“Yes, he called,” Alex said. “He thought it looked like a really bad flu. And considering that we’re already down an ADA in the bureau, it is the most likely conclusion.”

Casey nodded. “On her way out Hardwicke told me she only has four cases that are time-sensitive. I can take two… I know one of them might go to plea. I just need an intern for a day for research.”

“I can borrow Smith from Major Cases,” Alex said, pouring over court schedules.

“Let him take over the case that’s in Judge Bradly’s courtroom right now, along with any new arraignments,” Casey said. “Give the third case to Barba and he can use one of the juniors as a second chair.”

“That will work nicely,” she said. Alex looked up and nodded. “Keep doing my job for me and I’ll have to suggest you for deputy.”

“Absolutely not,” she said, with conviction so firm her voice dropped an active.

Alex looked startled. “Why not?”

“Biannual. Performance. Reviews.” Casey said, punctuating each word. “Unless you want all your HR paperwork to say _‘If I haven’t marked consider for termination then they’re fine,’_ …” she tapered off. “You don’t want me reviewing people.”

“Consider me forewarned,” Alex said, a little too placated at the very reasonable response that had nothing to do with her, personally. “Which intern do you want?”

“I’ll take Rebecca.”

“Which one is Rebecca?”

Casey shook her head and bit back a laugh. She closed her eyes, at the pang when she was reminded just how easy it was for Alex to make her laugh. She cleared her throat. “Rebecca Fisher,” she said, at the still blank look on Alex’s face. “The tall one from Columbia.”

Alex nodded again. “You got it. And thank you for the help.”

“Of course,” she said, voice soft. “Just please tell me you got a flu shot.”

“Of course I did,” she said, a little too quickly.

“Alex,” she said, in a too-personal, slightly chastising tone. When she heard it, she clamped her mouth shut and cleared her throat. She let out a short, huffy sigh. “Well, lets just hope that everyone doesn’t start to fall like dominoes.”

“I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Alex said, her perpetual assuredness coming out in her tone.

She was as work-friendly now, in her professional capacity, as she had ever been and she was looking at Casey like she was an ally that she actually enjoyed working with, and Casey wanted nothing more than to be able to reciprocate and appreciate it instead of listening to the beating of her heart in her ears.

She needed to get used to it. She just didn’t know how to convince her heart.


	8. Chapter 8

Part of Alex had anticipated this.

She had known that avoiding her best friend would only work for so long.

She hadn’t wanted to talk to Serena.

There were many, _many_ , reasons she hadn’t wanted to talk to Serena - She didn’t want to give her confirmation that she was right. She didn’t want her misguided optimism, hidden beneath all that sarcasm. She didn’t want to have to tell her how horrible she had been, knowing how much more final it would feel to repeat it out loud.

As if sensing her thoughts, the quiet solitude of her office was interrupted by the incessant knocking by the woman in question.

Noting the look of surprise on her face, Serena said, “If you had read or listened to any of the messages I sent, you’d know I was coming over.”

“I’ve been busy,” Alex said.

“Is that really why you’re hiding away back here?” she said, inviting herself into the office. “You haven’t been to haunt my place in quite a while,” she said.

“Your office shouldn’t be your place.” Alex said. “Its proof that you spend just as much time at work as I do. By the way, how did you get in without them calling up?”

“I have my connections,” she said. “And I didn’t even have to use them to confirm that you were still at work.. you talk about me,” she said under her breath. “But here you are.”

“Yes, well done,” Alex said, drolly. “You tracked me down.”

“I would have waited until you got home, but with the way you have been ducking my calls, I was worried you’d tell the doorman not to let me in.”

“Somehow, you’d talk your way in there too,” Alex said.

“You look like you could use a drink,” she flashed her a smile in way of apology.

“Since I want to drown myself in whatever you might be suggesting,” Alex said. “It’s probably the last thing I need.”

The interrupted sleep of the night before was dragging her body now. It didn’t help, that sleeplessness had been coupled with the vicious emotional cycle created by trying not to think about Casey.

Serena critically looked over her friend. She hadn’t seen her this miserable in a long time. “Can I guess what happened?”

“Probably,” Alex said. She watched Serena try to school her disappointment. It was one of the many reasons she had been avoiding her.

Serena, for once, bypassed any chastising, and removed her coat, placing it and her bag down and sat in the chair across Alex’s desk. “Tell me how it went.”

“I’m a cold, heartless bitch,” she said. Alex’s face froze in a grimace. “How do you think it went?”

“Is that what she said?” She asked, surprised and not quite willing to believe that Casey would lash out in that way. She really thought she had her pegged better than that.

“No, of course it’s not,” Alex said. She dropped her pen and sighed heavily. “She actually said very little.”

 

> _Casey had successfully avoided her for a week after Alex had walked out on the declaration of her feelings._
> 
> _Alex finally cornered her in the law library on a Saturday morning._
> 
> _“You look like an intern,” she said. Casey was wearing jeans and a hoodie over a t-shirt. Her hair was in a loose pony-tail with strays that were begging to be brushed back behind her ears._
> 
> _She looked up, her face pale and drawn and gave Alex a sad smile in response. “I must not blend in too well. You seem to have found me pretty easily.”_
> 
> _“I couldn’t reach you,” Alex said._
> 
> _“I didn’t think there was anything to say. Maybe I just wanted to postpone the inevitable.”_
> 
> _“I never meant to hurt you.”_
> 
> _“I never assumed you intended to,” Casey said._
> 
> _“I’m sorry.”_
> 
> _“For what?”_
> 
> _“I think we should end this.”_
> 
> _Casey looked like she was expecting this, and yet, it took a second for her poker face to come up._
> 
> _“It’s just not going to work out between us,” Alex said quickly in an attempt at forestalling further arguments. “It's nobody’s fault,”_
> 
> _Casey had gone quiet, and she didn’t look like she was going to reply._
> 
> _“It’s caught up to us.” Alex continued. “I’ve been avoiding it too. We let things go too far.”_
> 
> _“So what?” Casey finally argued. “So what if we started to really mean something to each other.” She reached out and put a hand on Alex’s arm, gently. “Is that really so bad?”_
> 
> _“We need some distance. A little distance and you would see-”_
> 
> _“It doesn’t sound like you want a little distance. It sounds like-“_
> 
> _“I don’t want a relationship,” she blurted out strongly. She didn’t want Casey to fight, to hope, to come up with all the ways they could possibly work out._
> 
> _“That’s what it sounded like.” Casey let go of her arm and took a slight step back. “So, you don’t want a relationship. What, ever? Or just with me?”_
> 
> _Alex stayed silent this time and watched the walls firm up around Casey again._
> 
> _“Oh,” she said._
> 
> _The heartbreak in Casey’s voice nearly broke her, and she wanted to take it back that instant. Or at least tell her that it wasn’t her. That she was perfect._
> 
> _“Then, I was right,” Casey continued, a voice so low and quiet that it could barely be heard. “There’s not really anything to say to that, is there?”_
> 
> _“I’m sorry,” Alex said._
> 
> _Casey looked at her, the ghost of an expression flickered across her face. “Yeah,” she said as she walked away._
> 
> _Alex watched her walk out. She had known so much of pain and loss in her life. She had been through the kind that left indelible marks. She couldn’t go through that again. This kind of hurt, she thought she knew, she thought she could handle._
> 
> _But Casey didn’t look back, and now she wasn’t so sure._

 

“Alex.”

“What?” she said, looking up to see Serena eyeing her carefully. Trying to figure out if she missed something. “I’m fine.”

Serena watched her for a few more moments. “You’re not fine.”

“I’m perfectly fine. I am simply tired.”

“This is more than tired, you look spent.”

“I’m not sleeping very well,” Alex admitted, her weariness coming through in her words.

They both had exhausting jobs, but Alex looked bad enough to elicit a large pang of sympathy. “I thought they gave you pills for that.”

“I don’t want to grow dependent.”

Serena rolled her eyes at what she thought was the understatement of the year; the very crux of Alex’s entire messy personal life. “You’re going to make yourself sick.”

“If I get sick, it will only be because the flu is trying to take down my entire office. It’s already taken out nearly a third of us.”

“If that’s true, then sleeping,” she raked her eyes over her friend in a closer inspection, “And I’m going to add, eating regularly, would be even more important. Unless you want to catch it too.”

Alex started to bristle and instinctively fight against the mothering. She and Serena had such a long history. When they bickered or fought, they got under each other’s skin, the way Alex imagined siblings did. This, longstanding friendship, had been a solid, safe place for both of them over the years. It left them in the position to push each other, be honest in a way they weren’t with many other people.

“What is it that you came over to say? Or make me say?” she said, brusquely.

“I’m not here to force you to say anything,” Serena said. “I’m just checking in.”

Alex looked away sharply, awareness of her behavior making her contrite. “I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“I know you didn’t,” she said. “Come on, lets go get dinner and you can tell me all about it.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then I won’t make you,” she lied.

 

-

 

They ordered their meals and started their drinks in relative silence. Serena sipped at her wine and contemplated the best approach to get Alex talking. She knew that her friend was in a bad state though.

“You can talk to me about it,” she said. “I know the last time we spoke it may have sounded like I wasn’t on you side, but you know better. I promise not to say a single I told you so.” She gave her a mollifying smile.

“There’s nothing left to talk about,” Alex said, picking at her food, her tone hollow.

“There probably is, or you wouldn’t be avoiding me like the plague.”

“It happened. It’s over,” she said. “I didn’t feel like being reprimanded… not to mention I truly am swamped at work because of the damned flu.”

“I’m sorry,” Serena said.

“One of us was bound to get hurt,” Alex said. She looked like she was full to the brim of regret. She looked like she was trying to hide that she was fighting her body from tearing up. Like she finally knew she had been powerless to stop herself from falling too far too.

“You didn’t set out to do this…” she reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “Things like this have a way of creeping up on us.”

Alex didn’t seem to have much fight left in her. She looked like she was finally listening though. Finally past the fight, and hopefully past the guilt enough to have an honest conversation.

“I didn’t want to hurt her, and I ended up being cruel.”

Maybe not all of the guilt, Serena thought. But she could work with a more-open Alex.

“You were right,” she agreed. “Someone was always going to get hurt. And it looks like it’s killing you.”

Alex didn’t deny it.

“If I could have just one thing. I would want her to be happy.”

“I understand that. But things will probably be hard for a while.”

“Of course they are. I know they will be, it’s just…” she stopped and pressed her lips together, biting back the rest of the sentence. She took a breath and then continued in a pained whisper, “I miss her.”

“I know.”

“What the hell was I thinking? I knew it was a bad idea going in. I knew it was going to end badly. I thought that I had learned my lesson last time, but letting go…” she closed her eyes, unable to finish the sentence.

“I think you did learn your lesson last time,” Serena said.

“I think current circumstances prove otherwise.”

“I honestly think you actually might, finally, be tired enough of being alone to want something more. I think you found something you didn’t even know you were looking for, and it scared the shit out of you.”

Alex rolled her eyes. “You’re one to talk about choosing to be alone.”

“I’m not the one pushing away a more than suitable partner.”

“Oh really,” Alex said, replying with more snark than she meant, but it was easier than heartache and she was unable to stop herself. “You think I didn’t realize that Abby, specifically, wasn’t at that last party.”

“You’re deflecting.”

“ _You_ like her, and you are choosing to do nothing about it.”

“It wouldn’t be a good match. She’s a republican.”

“Just barely,” Alex scoffed.

“True, but I am very, very… _not_ ,” she said, reaching for the right excuse.

“It’s not like it’s against the rules. You’re own father is a republican.”

“Oh, that’s something that will make me drop my hesitation about a woman, compare her to my father,” she said, her sarcasm at it’s full. “And you are still deflecting.”

Alex smiled wistfully.

“So: you’re working all the time and probably infectious with the flu, you and Casey are working together but not really, you miss her like crazy, and you’re not sleeping again.”

“How concise of you.”

“So, how is she doing?”

Alex looked away. “I don’t know,” she admitted, swimming in guilt. “I hardly see her. And at work, we’re very - professional.”

“Gotta love lawyers,” Serena said.

Between meetings, political mollycoddling, supervising and the cases she had taken over, Alex was in and out of her office all day. Some days she could barely catch a fifteen minute break for coffee. She usually worked through dinnertime, eating in her office while meeting with someone about a case. And yet, Casey’s hours seemed worse than her own.

“She’s helping to cover the absences,” Alex said. “She’s practically the assistant bureau chief with how much work she’s doing.”

“You’re her boss. You have to talk to her sometime.”

“We’re not really talking, not about anything personal, and I don’t blame her. I’m not sure it would be a good idea anyway,” she said, thinking about work yesterday.

She and Casey had been standing together out on the steps in front of the courthouse. Covering all of the details for the impending press briefing. As she was double checking all of the bullet points, detective Rollins walked by.

 

> _“You got the time for 10 miles later?” she called out._
> 
> _“10?” Casey responded, with an exasperated playfulness. “I thought we were building slowly.”_
> 
> _“Well,” she said, looking at her watch in an exaggerated manner. “If you’re going to be that slow, then I might only have time for 6.”_
> 
> _“Oh, shut up. I’ll see you later.”_

 

The friendly, or possibly more than friendly, exchange had been excruciating. But she had no time to think about it. She had to force the moment into the recesses of her mind with every ounce of her self-control. She focused on the press conference as if it were brain surgery.

There was a beauty to that though. She knew she had the ability to tap into focus so strong that it could bend most things her way. She’d gone straight from the press to her meeting with Jack and the other bureau chiefs, and had sold her bureau’s quarterly closure stats with so much confidence and credibility that a friend pulled her to the side after, and told her that they’re keeping her in mind for the big seat in a post-McCoy era.

“Are you going to be okay?” Serena said, pulling her back into the moment. They had finished with dinner and were walking back, Serena doing most of the guiding as Alex seemed to be on autopilot.

“With what, exactly?”

“With this cold reality of a working arrangement? Knowing you both will be watching whatever the future brings to either of you?”

“This too will pass,” Alex said. She couldn’t imagine not feeling the longing that clenched through her chest every time she saw Casey. She tried to smile but it came out pained before it settled into her patented resolute expression. “I’ll be okay.”

“Alex,” she said in exasperation as they walked up to Alex’s building.

She shook her head and hugged her friend tightly, not at all surprised when Alex returned the tight hug and whispered a thank you.

“Aren’t you tired of just being okay?” Serena called out as the doorman held a door open for Alex.

Alex looked at her and finally admitted, “I might be.”

“Then what are you going to do about it?”

  
  


-

 

 

 _“Then what are you going to do about it?”_ she had said to Alex.

What was Alex going to do about it?

She was pretty sure that Alex was going to do nothing about it. In fact, she knew Alex was going to do nothing about it, or that she’d wait so long to get moving that it was going to be too late.

She couldn’t get the image of Alex, stuck on the brink of tears but not letting herself cry, out of her head.

Serena finally accepted that she was going to do something. She rubbed at her forehead as if she could rub off the embarrassment she could already feel about butting in. But she felt her determination take over, nonetheless.

It was 8PM. Late enough to be assured that jack McCoy would have gone home or at least left the office to dine with an unending line of donors just in time for election season. But the night was still young enough to make sure the workaholic she wanted to see would still be there, as far as her sources knew.

And she did have her sources.

Interfering felt asinine, but Alex wasn’t going to budge. She knew she was getting the story from only one side… but from what she knew, both women were so stubborn and so hurt that if they waited for a signal or for the other to come to them, they'd be stuck in a game of who would make the first move, or lose each other for good.

She wanted more for Alex. For both of them.

She signed into the building, chatted with security, and easily found the door. Casey was exactly where they said she’d be. Leaning over documents on her desk, working into the night.

“Hi,” she said, interrupting her reverie. “I was hoping you had a minute.”

The woman stood, the motion was smooth and automatic, speaking of old fashioned manners drilled in since childhood.

“Hi, its good to see you.” Casey said, beckoning her into the room. “Come in, I can certainly take a break.” She motioned to the chairs in front of her desk.

Serena looked around as she sat down. “It’s been a while since I’ve been back in these offices. I don’t recognize even a third of the names on the doors.”

“If McCoy knew you were here, I’m sure he’d be recruiting you back.”

Serena laughed. “Well its a good thing he hasn’t seen me then.”

“Can I get you a drink? Some coffee, or water?”

“No, I’m fine, thank you.”

“Well then, what can I do for you?”

“This visit is of a personal nature.”

“Oh,” she said, layers of meaning falling in the one syllable. She took in a deep breath through her nose and rolled her shoulders back, forcing herself to relax. “Okay. Go ahead.”

“I'm sorry about you and Alex.”

She shrugged, attempting more nonchalance than she felt. “Thanks.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m doing fine.” She flashed a brief, placating smile. “How are you?”

Serena’s face adopted a gentle understanding and she smiled acknowledging the awkwardness. “Okay. I’ll cut to the chase, how’s it going - working together?”

Casey gave that a bit of thought before she answered. “Not as bad as you'd think. I can only speak for myself, but I’ve always been able to focus on the work.”

“That I understand,” Serena said. Feeling a kinship for another in the sorority of workaholics. “But It can’t be easy. Can you really work together?”

“I have asked myself that a lot lately. And for now, at least, it’s fine.” She said. She didn’t know how she would deal with hearing or seeing evidence of Alex moving on, though Alex ran rather private at work, maybe she wouldn’t have to see it. And by the time she did, hopefully she would be over her. “We’re both professionals. Plus, well, you can’t really ever feel too sorry for yourself when you work SVU cases.”

“I can see that.” Serena said. “And Alex is ever the diplomat.”

“That she is. If I didn’t know any better, I’d never believe anything happened at all.”

“Okay,” she said. “But what about the long run?”

“Having her be the chief? She's very good.” She was aware that she was still a little bit in awe of Alex’s learning curve. She tried to tell herself that it was jealousy and not pride. “It might not be ideal, but as far as I'm concerned, it’s fine.”

“Well, if it does get hard, I’m always looking for more talent,” she flashed a big smile.

Casey laughed. “You and the Brooklyn DA.”

“Yeah, he always did like to poach around too. But working for me would have many more perks,” she said. “Including a lot of say in which cases you’d take… and keep in mind, I took over most of Barry Mordock’s civil rights work when he became a judge.”

Casey smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said. “But I am going to try to stick it out as long as I can.”

Serena wasn’t surprised that Alex had been right about Casey’s work attitude, about her professionalism. Her lips quirked into a now common, frustrated smile.

“Don’t let Alex push you away,” she said, trying to jump to the heart of the matter.

Sadness and confusion washed over her face before her poise returned and slammed down control over her and into a neutral expression.

“I don’t think that this is up to me.”

“She cares about you, she’s just a stubborn ass.”

“She is the one who called it off. It was a pretty firm no.”

Serena rolled her eyes. “Yeah, well, she’s good at avoiding happiness.”

“She doesn’t want a relationship.”

Serena rolled her eyes, hard. “She has always been a commitment-phobe.”

“That’s not quite what she…” she sighed and then shook her head. “It doesn’t really matter anyway, I don’t even know if we’d have a chance of working out even if she’d wanted to. I don’t think we know each other as well as I thought we did.”

“You seem to know each other pretty well, actually.”

“I don’t know… I wasn’t exactly in top form when we got together.” She hadn’t been looking at anything further in the future than her next move when she was suspended, her life had hit a sudden halt. “Maybe what we saw in each other was just what we wanted to see because what was left of me back then- definitely wasn't my best.”

“Your argument is that that she started something with you when you were at your worst, then?”

“Something like that.”

“So,” the lawyer in Serena couldn’t help herself. “She met you at your worst, and you still think she doesn’t know the real you? When are we more our true selves than when we are at our worst? She's just scared.” Serena said.

“Of me?”

“Of wanting, and losing and being hurt again.”

“I would never-” She said in frustration but stopped herself. “I don’t want to hurt her. But whatever the reason, she made her choice. She doesn’t want a relationship with me. Period. That’s not really something you can argue against.”

“I really don’t think that’s true, or believe me, I wouldn’t be here, interfering.” (Like your mother, her inner voice interrupted, she shushed it away). “It’s her instinct, to push people away.”

“I know that Alex has been hurt.” She was past the initial sting of the rejection, and could understand the history of both of them that colored the impossibility of it all. “I don’t know if I blame her for not wanting any more of that,” Casey said. “You might know Alex’s baggage, but I have my own, too.”

“Doesn’t everybody?”

“I won’t chase after someone who doesn’t want me.” Not anymore.

“That’s the thing. She does want you, and she misses you.”

“I would say that it’s incredibly mutual, if I believed she did. But she ended it.”

“She was trying to avoid heartbreak, but she really didn’t dodge that bullet.”

That focused Casey’s attention even tighter, her eyes sought out an answer in Serena’s.

“She’s miserable,” Serena said, watching it sink in. “She’s not sleeping. She’s beyond irritable all the time.”

Casey hated to admit it, but hearing that Alex wasn’t doing particularly better than she was with this made her feel a little better. “It doesn’t necessarily mean anything,” she sighed deeply. “I can’t make her want to be together.”

“She does, she just doesn’t know it, or can’t admit it, yet.”

“Even if she does… she has to figure that out, and I can’t force her and I don’t want to talk her into something that she doesn’t want.”

“There’s a difference between persuading and not-giving-up. You can let her know though, what you want.“

“I don’t see how she couldn’t know.” She wasn’t the one who needed time or space or the need to take a step back, or the distance of a casual relationship. She knew what she wanted. She didn’t know when it had turned from wanting whatever Alex could give her, to wanting everything. But she knew that it had.

“That’s the problem with stubborn women, they’re somewhat dense.”

“Again, I’m not sure what I can do.”

Serena resisted banging her head on the desk. “The way she smiles at you, especially when you aren’t looking. She doesn’t smile like that for anyone else,” she said. “You make her happy. I’d hate to not see you in her life anymore.”

A small, barely audible gasp escaped her lips. When she spoke her voice broke and was filled with disbelief and cursed hope. “I make her happy?”

“Oh my god, I hate you both,” Serena muttered quietly to herself. Then she sighed and closed her eyes to prevent herself from giving the mother of all eye-rolls. “You need to get over yourselves.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You’ll figure it out.” she said. “ Play the long game, I don’t think you guys are done.”

“I don't play games.”

“The long game isn’t about manipulation, it’s about proving that you’re not scared off, that you’ll be there… Wait her out. I am not a betting woman, and I’m saying I think you have a chance.”


	9. Chapter 9

Casey trudged through the hallway creating a wake of people moving out of her way. She only wished it was due to her commanding presence and attitude, and not because they feared the pestilence she had fallen to.

She leaned on the doorframe and knob for support as she came to a stop in front of Alex’s door.

Her body had nearly refused to get up and go to work this morning, and the body aches, fatigue and chills only got worse throughout the day. There had been a crest in the wave of the flu in their department, and she had started to think that she was going to be able to avoid getting hit. Instead, she hit a wall.

She knocked on her office door, letting her hand fall heavily, and entered.

“You look like hell,” Alex said as Casey handed over the revised witness statements for a case that was being handed to the Feds.

Casey’s face was even more pale now than it had been when she had popped into her office earlier and requested the files. She had known something was up then, when Casey was ready to hand the case to the Feds without much of a fight, but she hadn’t realized that Casey was this sick.

“No need to rub it in,” Casey muttered, giving the file one final scan before placing it in the bankers box for the courier. Her denial that she was finally succumbing to the illness that had been plaguing her workplace was breaking down in the face of a clear and painful chain of evidence. “I don’t believe I caught this before you.” It wasn’t an accusation, but it ended up sounding like one.

Alex shrugged. “I’ve been bathing in hand sanitizer.”

“So have I,” Casey complained. “I wash my hands more than a doctor, and still,” she said as she collapsed into Alex’s office couch, as far back from the other woman as she could and still have a conversation.

“You should go home.”

“It’s still manageable,” Casey said, defiance in her gaze. She’d prided herself on being able to withstand anything. She was still clearheaded and alert enough that she didn’t think she’d be missing any details, it was merely her body that was lagging behind.

“If you say so,” Alex said, knowing she was giving her too much leeway. More than she would give the others.

“There is still way too much work to do to bother with being under the weather.”

“You know, I got word that two more are going to be back tomorrow. You really can work from home if you want. You look like you feel horrible.”

“This is nothing. I had a jury come back in four hours once and that was after arguing with a 103F degree fever.”

“That’s probably because they wanted to get you and your germs far, far away. But really, Casey,” Alex sighed. It was a patient sigh. “Jack is thinking about instituting a No Fever for 24 hours rule to get through this wave.”

“Did he make it mandatory?”

“Not yet, but do you want to take down the the rest of us so that you have even more work to do when you feel better?”

“I'll go home before it gets too bad,” she said

 

—

 

In the end, she was sent home. But not by Alex.

She camped out on her couch, interspersing bouts of work in between fitful naps. She was trying to do as much as she could from home, but was receiving very little communication regarding her many requests for files.

 

-

 

An insistent, loud knock caused her to groan and roll off the couch for what felt like the hundredth time. Though, getting up for a late evening visitor was still better than needing to get up and run to the bathroom.

“What are you doing here?” Casey said, when she opened the door to find Alex. She thought, a beat afterward, that it may sound rude, but those were the first words her brain could find through the dull aching in her head.

“I was concerned, when I heard you went home voluntarily. I thought I’d check on you on my way home.”

Casey glanced around the visible parts of her apartment, checking to see if she should have tidied up before she opened the door. Then she looked down at her own appearance. Her sweatpants were leftover from her college days and nearly threadbare, and the navy blue NYPD sweatshirt she was wearing helped her finally feel warm, but didn’t match and was a bit large for her. But she didn’t have the wherewithal or the time to do anything about any of it, and opened the door to let Alex in.

“I wouldn’t call it voluntarily as it was more of an unspoken order.”

“Judge Bradly again?”

“The man is a germaphobe. I’m fine. I’ll be in tomorrow.”

But, Casey looked terrible. She was beyond pale and shivering, her eyes were glassy with dark circles under them, and her cheeks were flushed. It’s the most defeated she’d seem the woman since the last time- she didn’t want to think about. She knew she’d keeping track. She’d been overly aware of Casey lately.

“I brought you a few things.”

“The files I called the intern for?”

“Actually, yes, but just two.” She placed a small pile of papers on the counter and then opened the bag. “I also brought you a flu kit.”

“A flu kit?” She repeated, brain a little stalled, trying to make sense of it all.

“And chicken soup from the deli near the courthouse.”

Casey looked at her, eyes suspiciously squinting. “Which deli?”

“The good one,” she said, giving her a minor glare that said _of course I went to the **good** deli, I’m not an idiot_.

She brought her bags into Casey’s kitchen without waiting for the woman to follow and started unpacking.

“Are you hungry now, or do you want this in the fridge?”

“The fridge… did you buy out the entire drugstore?” she said, looking at the larger bag Alex was rooting through.

“When they heard it was for you, they also sent something called bone broth,” she indicated the smallest carton. “If you’re brave enough and desperate to get better soon, they suggest you drink it. And other than that, the usual drug store recovery items, plus anti-nausea, anti-cough, anti-everything else, and of course pain killer.”

“Are you that desperate for ADAs?” Casey said, leaning on the wall, hugging herself for warmth.

“I made one stop,” she said, attempting to hush Casey’s protestations. “Well,  
Two… It wasn’t even out of my way,” she said, not mentioning that it was the easiest decision she’d made all week. “The only thing that was remotely difficult was finding an electrolyte drink that wasn’t bright blue.” She said. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“You didn’t have to do any of that,” she said. Not knowing what to think about Alex’s more-than-friendly gesture. Feeling in her bones that this, again, wasn’t just friendship. That’s one of the few things that could clearly filter it’s way through Casey’s addled brain. It never felt like just friendship between them.

“You’re sick,” Alex reasoned. “I thought you could use-“

“What, some TLC?” Casey said, and the effort of the sarcasm started a coughing fit.

“Casey,” she said and sighed.

“What?” she said, exhausted and annoyed.

“I’m just trying to be nice… there’s no need to make it harder than it needs to be.”

She could immediately see, from the way Casey’s expression grew dark and her eyes wide, that she’d hit a nerve.

“I’m the one making this harder?” Casey said, barely avoiding sputtering in anger, which started a second wave of coughing that only reminded her just how much physical energy she did not have. When it subsided, her whole body suddenly felt weary.

“Come on,” Alex said, noticing her start to sway. “You need to get in bed.” She nudged her until she moved. And guided her into the bedroom, hand on her back to help support her.

Casey climbed into bed with no further arguments. “Ugh,” she grimaced. “Even laying down hurts.”

“When is the last time you took something?”

Casey looked over at the clock. “I’m due now.”

“Which one do you want?”

“The pain killer,” she said and then grimaced. “And maybe the anti-nausea too.”

Alex left and returned shortly with the bag of supplies, handed her the pills and a bottle of water, and then pulled the rest of the blankets back over her.

“Thank you,” she said, still frustrated, but grateful nonetheless.

Alex tried to smile but it looked a lot more like a frown. “This is not how I wanted things to be.”

“You’re the one who ended it,” Casey muttered as she tried in vain to reach the tissues on the nightstand.

“I just meant that things haven’t been easy for me either, and I’m trying,” Alex said, bringing the box to her.

“What is it that you’re _trying_ Alex?” Casey said in a tired tone with, unfairly, a note of patience that had no right to be there. She didn't want to be patient with any of this, but she was always naturally patient with Alex.

“I am trying to figure out what our new normal is.” An apologetic expression flashed across her face before she looked away. “I wanted to-” she started and then stopped herself. “I certainly hoped that we could do simple favors for one another.”

Casey laughed, disbelieving and the tiniest bit bitter. “I’m betting you didn’t tuck anyone else in though.” She didn’t understand how Alex could explain this to herself as just a simple favor.

“No,” Alex admitted. “I called to check in, but no. No other house calls.” She could feel her lungs burning from the attempt to control her breathing. Casey had every right to be frustrated with her. She knew her motivations for this visit were heavier than she wanted to admit. She knew, and she couldn’t hide from it.

“I know you are just being nice, but-” Casey said and paused trying to collect what she wanted to say. For the most part, she was pleased with how she had dealt with Alex. She didn’t let herself act out unfairly, or even passive-aggressively. But she was beginning to think that Serena was right, that Alex’s behavior might be revealing, rather than confusing. Though, it did bewilder her that someone so smart could be so oblivious.

“-You walked away and pretended like it was for my benefit,” Casey continued. She was as physically spent as she was emotionally, and thankfully all she had left was cool reason, but she was losing track of her argument in the exhaustion. “You can keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. But I don’t know if I buy it anymore.”

Alex tensed at being directly called out but knew it was the truth. It was more than half of the reason it had been difficult for them to find their way back to any sort of friendship. And she owed Casey so much more than this. More than an awkward conversation, however honest.

“You’re right,” Alex finally said, she sat down gently on a small space left near the edge of the bed made by Casey curling into a ball. “And maybe it’s not fair, but I do care, and I am here because I know that the flu sucks and I wanted to make sure you were okay.” She took a deep breath, “It’s probably selfish, but I didn’t want you to be alone. I’m sorry, I certainly didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m sorry that I ruined things between us,” Casey continued, feeling the rest of her residual anger drop then, and the pulse she could feel between her temples ease. “But I’m not sorry for how I felt.” She paused a beat, but she still had more to say. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with you.”

Alex tried not to flinch, but Casey continued, seeming not to notice.

“-And maybe it wasn’t love at first sight, or second. But I am sure that it was inevitable. You are brilliant and sharp, not to mention the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but you are also funny and caring and thoughtful.” She motioned her hand lazily at the things Alex brought. “I’ve thought about this from every angle and I don’t really see how it wasn’t going to happen.”

Alex wanted to apologize too, but for a moment, she could only stare. She wanted to cling to this, even if it was painful, even if Casey was probably saying more than she would if she weren’t so thoroughly tired and unable to hold back. Even if Casey had referred to how she had felt in the past tense.

Alex wanted to reach out and hold onto it and pull herself out of the oppressive weight of the tangled mess between them, but she just didn’t know how. Helpless, she kept trying, “Casey, you didn’t ruin things between us, I did-” she started, but then noticed that Casey was trying desperately to stay awake, but had to be just moments from falling asleep.

“It’s really not fair,” Alex continued. “To have this kind of talk when you need to sleep.” She brushed the hair off of her forehead and back behind her ear and couldn’t prevent herself from stroking her still overheated cheek and unable to retract her hand even though she realized what she was doing. “Those who weren’t hospitalized for dehydration said that they had about 2 rock bottom days before they started recovering. So, I’m hoping that you won’t fell any worse than this.”

Casey huffed, but nodded. “Give Hardwicke my arraignments, and I’ll take her paperwork,” she murmured. “I can help on motions and use the courier if you guys get slammed.”

Alex smiled at the way that Casey was wired. That she was never out to impress anyone, just dedicated. “Stay in bed, and stay home tomorrow. You really don’t want to take down the rest of the bureau.”

Casey fell asleep with Alex's hand, still on her cheek. Alex gently disentangled herself, and spent a good deal of time, doing what she could to help out where she could, trying to predict what someone who was sick would need done.

She did the dishes and cleaned most of the surfaces in the apartment in business like swaths of productivity. She made sure to put everything Casey might need on the nightstand and in the bathroom. She stood, looking around to make sure she didn’t leave anything behind out of habit as she made her way to the door, but then corrected herself, and went back to the small desk for a post it.

 

—

 

Casey woke from the deep, confusing sleep that cold medicine always imparted on her. She looked around to confirm that the bedroom was empty. She remembered Alex’s cool hand on her forehead, and those same hands pulling her hair back before the next round of nausea medication kicked in, but she couldn’t remember how long ago that could have been. When she sat up, she noticed the post it on her lamp.

 

_Text me to let me know you’re doing okay._

 

She walked toward the kitchen to heat up some soup and noticed an apartment a hell of a lot more tidy than she could remember, and looked for her phone to send the requested text.

 

_-Did you clean?_

She didn’t have to wait long for a reply.

 

_I simply arranged what you needed for your convenience._

 

Casey smiled and sighed and felt the door to her heart, the one she thought she slammed shut, crack open a little more. She knew Alex probably felt guilty, but that didn’t explain everything. She was starting to realize how much of Alex’s actions gave her away.

  

_-You cleaned._

 

_I am capable of doing so. I merely disinfected a few things for you._

 

_-Thank you._

 

_You’re welcome._

 

_-I’m sorry for going off on you._

 

_Nothing to be sorry about. You were exhausted and you were right. I should have had everything sent over. I wasn’t thinking. And I’m sorry for making things harder._

 

_-It was nice of you to check on me._

 

—

 

Alex sat on her bed that evening, staring at her phone beside her.

She knew that she should leave it alone. She knew she didn’t have to reply.

She’d already upset Casey enough for one day. It wasn’t fair for her to continue to force her way into Casey's life, or good graces. No matter how much more she wanted with Casey, she had already ruined things and she didn’t need to mess with her emotions any more than she had. She groaned and clutched her phone even tighter as if it would help her get a grip on herself. She made herself put it down and go to the kitchen for a glass of water.

She made herself think about what was fair for Casey. It certainly wasn’t fair for her to hope to win her affections back, Casey needed to do what was right for her, and Alex needed to get out of the way and stop fucking things up.

When she finally climbed into bed again, and set her phone to charge, she shook her head, unable to keep from sending a final, needy, selfish message.

 

_Is it beyond us, to be friends?_

 

She waited. She knew Casey could be sleeping. She knew that the answer might not be one she wanted to hear. Just as she was going to give in and try to sleep, her phone vibrated with one-short staccato.

  

_-No._

 

Alex settled back onto her bed, her emotions still swirling in a mess of guilt.

 

_Okay then, get some rest._

 

_-After I get through this file ._

 

_Put down the file._

 

It was probably too soon to react to Casey like this, in their natural give an take… but again, her self-control had fled the moment she decided to pick up chicken-soup.

 

 

_-Fine. The bone broth was disgusting, btw._

 

_Then eat the soup instead, and then sleep._

 

_-I did, and I will. Thank you… btw- you know you’re not looking so hot._

 

Her fingers ghosted over Casey’s reply. The banter, the familiarity was almost too much, because it felt too good, too beautiful a moment to last. She couldn’t help herself. It made her laugh, and it faded to a wistful smile.

  

_Did you happen to see yourself today?_

 

She knew, at the very least, that would draw a smile from Casey.

 

_-That was uncalled for!… but seriously. You look tired. You should have saved some soup for yourself. Don’t catch this too._

 

_I’ll borrow a bio-hazard suit from the M.E.’s office if I have to.._

 

_-If you do, please take a picture._

 

She felt herself smiling again, because it felt like coming up for air, the hint of accepted teasing, of genuinely being able to interact. She had been holding her breath, dreading the thought of never being able to talk to her again. At least they’d have that.

 

_I’ll do my best. Goodnight._

 

_-Goodnight._


	10. Chapter 10

The station always came with a purpose.

Alex liked that her job allowed her to occasionally be hands on and work cases herself. She secretly relished the chance of being able to jump in rather than supervise and manage. The sense of purpose was what kept most of them going.

She had always liked coming to the station. Time moved in beats there; in shifts, chases, hunches and in those tense moments when every second counted, when they didn’t even have time to pause and take a breath. Handling cases always made time move at warp speed.

Even with Casey back at work, her bureau was still short on ADAs.

Which meant Alex at least had a case to keep her mind away from, well, everything else; her love life, held in abeyance.

But by a lack of luck, or karma, or just a particularly snarky universe, the current case that she had to take over happened to be one of Rollins’.

 

-

 

“The guy is lying,” Detective Rollins said.

“You,” as in the _royal you, as in all detectives_ , Alex intoned. “Always think the guy is lying.”

“That’s because they usually are,” Rollins leaned forward conspiratorially and grinned, and Alex felt it’s pull, it’s infectious nature, and hated her a little bit more for it.

“But come on,” the detective continued, and bounced on her heels a bit. “He’s never given a single thought to marriage or the future? They’d never had even one commitment conversation?” She pointed at the gesticulating suspect being interviewed by her partner on the other side of the one-way glass. “Really? This guy whose office was filled with obsessive, detailed to-do lists? He’d never planned or thought of it once? I don’t think so, and there was no way this guy was fine with her going off with someone else.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Alex said.

A brief, awkward silence fell between them.

It was hardly the first awkward silence since she’d started working with the detective on this case. It wasn’t even the first awkward silence in their conversation throughout this interview.

She respected the detective, enough. All indications were that she acclimated well to the squad and their work, and seemed to be able to handle it.

Thus far, she had no problems with the woman - professionally.

She wondered briefly, just how much time jealousy and guilt could take off your lifespan. Because every stray thought she had about Amanda Rollins, and her involvement in Casey’s life, sounded like a threat in her head. The theme of them all: _You’d better be worthy of her._

That the woman was pretty was a fact. Her Southern charm seemed to project that she was easy going. (Which was definitely something Alex was not). But she still didn’t know the detective that well, and that could all be a veneer.

She wondered if Casey would take Rollins to the bar association gala, and if she’d get a chance to see Rollins after work, to see first hand if she could treat her right. On the other hand, she was definitely not ready to see Casey Novak, disarmingly beautiful and dressed up, on the arm of someone else.

“I’m just saying,” Rollins continued, trying to get through to Alex. “At that level of intimacy, you can’t not have thought about monogamy or commitment.”

Alex huffed and fought a bout of guilt and blushing, and deliberately divorced herself from the task at hand _for the sake of impartiality._

“Well,” Alex cleared her throat. “Even if that’s so, that alone wouldn’t prove much. People delude themselves all the time, especially if they aren’t ready to admit their feelings.”

“I’m just saying, there is something off.”

“Then you have conflicting motives,” Alex said. “You’re going to need to clean that up and until you do, we can’t possibly hold him.”

“Yeah,” Rollins agreed, watching her partner get nowhere on the other side of the glass. She tapped on the glass twice to get him to finish. “It was still worth bringing him in. I’ll see if Fin can follow up on the neighbor and the best friend, see if there’s anything there to firm up motive.”

“And you?”

“I have to escort a witness to court,” she said. “She’s still a little skittish, but they’re reconvening for the verdict and she wants to be there.”

Alex gave her a single brief nod.

 

-

 

There had been a time when Alex relished balancing her newfound work priorities. She’d buried herself in the tactical side of distributing cases among her ADAs, in balancing the bureau’s numbers, and tackling the politics, paperwork, press, and the DA in equal measure. She was pleasantly surprised to find that she enjoyed the job.

However, the cyclical avalanche of paperwork could be as overwhelming as it was mundane. Had the most recent reports not been so mind numbingly bland, they might have held her concentration better.

She was far from immune to this uniquely fragile limbo that she and Casey found themselves in. There was also no way to know if Casey had been purposefully avoiding her, or merely similarly overwhelmed with work.

Ether way, it was just as well that they hadn’t had time to sit down and talk. All week, she had been fighting the urge to see her, to create opportunities to talk to her, but she still wasn’t sure what she would say.

A knock on her door diverted her thoughts, and she was grateful for a stronger distraction, until she looked up and saw who her interruptor was.

Detective Rollins.

Again.

Standing in her doorway giving her a serious look. The detective didn’t wait for a greeting though, and began talking before Alex could invite her in.

“Did you hear about the attack in court today?”

“Yes,” Alex said, recalling that one of the interns informed her of a courtroom scourmish. She placed her pen down and gave Rollins her full attention. “Something about a commotion in court caused by a defendant who did not like his guilty verdict.”

“Yeah,” Rollins said. “It was a little more than a commotion. Casey is still in the ER.”

Alex stood up instantly, her voice was calm but her cadence betrayed her. “I thought it was the defense counsel who was attacked.”

“Yeah, I thought they might not have relayed the news fully,” Rollins muttered, rolling her eyes. “The perp went after his own lawyer, and added yet another charge to his record for that. But Casey got winged in the scuffle trying to get him under control. She’s okay though,” she added, holding a hand up to pause any further reactions when she saw Alex turn pale. “She’s fine, but they brought her to the ER to be stitched up.”

Rollins lifted a duffle bag that she was carrying. “I am headed back to bring her a few things, if you want to come along and see for yourself.”

No sooner had she finished the offer than Cabot was grabbing her phone and briefcase and was out of the doorway before Rollins could even begin to follow.

 

-

 

“She really is okay,” Rollins said, as they neared the hospital. It was one of the first things said between the women on the drive over. When they got to the car there had been a series of texts and phone calls where Cabot had arranged the remaining business of the day in a hyper efficient manner. After that, the ride had been nearly silent.

“You want me to throw on the cherry and turn on the siren?” She said, having a feeling Cabot wanted to say yes, but wouldn’t.

“I’m sure that’s not necessary,” she said.

“It’s really not. We’ll be there soon,” she said, reassurance and deescalation coming naturally to her.

However, the attempt to lesson the woman’s anxiety only seemed to make it worse.

“Where were you?” Cabot said, finally lashing out and unable to leave out the accusation in her tone.

Instead of rising to Cabot’s misplaced anger and guilt-bait, Rollins pursed her lips together, trying not to smile. “I was hand-holding a witness in the gallery,” she said. She looked over at Cabot, her eyes were still flashing with annoyance, but it looked more like the worry it was so clearly masking.

“She got hit in the forehead and bled like crazy since it was close to the scalp, but the medics got it under control pretty easily. She tried to refuse to go to the hospital, but defense council demanded it. I think he was afraid she might sue him for marring her pretty face.”

Cabot leaned back in the seat a bit and stared out the windshield into the traffic ahead and unsuccessfully tried to relax.

“She really is okay though,” she said. “Or I wouldn’t have left.”

“Thank you,” she said, contrite for the first time during the drive. “For telling me and letting me come along.” She spared a brief grateful smile for her. She regarded the detective for a long, long stare. To her credit, Rollins didn’t once bristle under the scrutiny.

Amanda couldn’t help it, she smirked. She tried to quickly even it out to an understanding smile, but she knew she’d been caught out.

“She told you,” Cabot said. It was a statement, not a question.

Rollins tried to reign in the smile and shook her head. “She never said a word.”

“Then, how did you know?”

“I’m a detective,” and tilted her head for effect as they pulled into a parking spot. “Don’t insult me.”

She could feel that Cabot wasn’t quite happy enough with that response and she smiled. “She could pull a muscle, the way she dances around your name, or the way she tried so hard not to get caught looking at you.”

-

They marched through the parking lot, letting Rollin’s natural cop-cadence and Alex’s pure determination cut through the full hallways at the busy hospital entrance. They made it through the ER in record time, and to Casey’s semi-private ER examination room even faster.

Amanda watched Alex take in the sight (being able to see that Casey was indeed okay with her own eyes) and smirked once again.

Cabot visibly let go of a deep breath, like it was the first time she was able to do so, since she heard Casey had been hurt.

 

-

 

Casey was resting on the ER bed, backrest at a 45 degree angle so she could sit up comfortably. Lit by the bright overhead lights, the bandage on her head looked all too prominent. There were remnants of blood about her, and she was wearing an and ill-fitting robe-like garment over her black suit pants.

Alex swallowed down her own worries and fears though, and stepped fully into the room, feeling stripped bare.

They hand’t really seen each other since she had visited her when she was sick. Casey had, thankfully, recovered quickly compared to other members of the bureau. But by the time she came back, both of them were in and out of the office, still scrambling to catch up. They hadn’t even spoken, just a handful of emails traded about a particular plea deal.

“Alex,” Casey said. Her eyebrows elevated in surprise and she almost smiled in reflex. “You didn’t have to come. I’m fine. I barely need to be here.”

Alex willed her eyes to stop searching Casey for harm and meet her gaze. Gratitude, relief and fear still swimming in her thoughts. Without meaning to, she moved forward and cupped Casey’s chin, gently turning her face to inspect her further.

“Say that to the huge piece of gauze taped to your head,” Alex said, her fingers itching to peak underneath and see the extent of the injury, but resisting.

Casey took a breath, not realizing that she’d felt like the air in the room was in short supply since Alex came in.

“It’s just a cut on my forehead,” Casey said, in a softer and gentler voice, in dereference to the anxiety she could see in Alex’s eyes.

 

“It’s a gash and it involved the eyebrow-line, so they’re waiting for someone from plastics to come down and stitch it up,” Rollins said from just inside the room.

Casey and Alex both looked over at her, startled. Alex removed her hand from Casey’s face and stood up with ramrod posture.

 

“I don’t believe anyone asked you,” Casey said in a tone quite near that of a child who had been told on.

Rollins smirked at her.

“And believe me,” Casey huffed. “ _Waiting_ is the key word here.”

“If I was waiting for someone to keep me from looking like Frankenstein, I’d try and be a bit more patient. But here,” Amanda held up the bag she was carrying. “I brought you what you asked. So, you won’t have to wear that lovely frock, or the bloody shirt.”

“Thank you,” Casey said, genuinely grateful to be able to change her clothes soon.

“But if you’re good now, I should leave and go meet up with Fin.”

Casey smiled another thanks and nodded.

Amanda came closer and leaned over near Casey’s ear, said softly, “I want details later.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Casey said back in an equally quiet whisper. She shook her head, but glanced over in time to see Alex’s face drop.

Rollins almost hurt herself trying not to laugh, but still managed to keep her voice low. “You both forgot I was in the room. And it’s a teeny tiny room.” She smirked and righted and headed out.

“Hey, counselor,” Amanda addressed Alex in a normal tone as she paused at the curtain, waiting for Alex to look at her. “Keep an eye on this one for me, will you? It was hard enough to get her to come here in the first place.”

Alex crossed her arms and gave her another short, wordless nod.

 

-

 

Alex let her eyes wander around the small room trying to think of something to say.

As she took a step closer to the bed, a rustling made her look down. She took a second look at it and realized it was Casey’s suit jacket and blood-stained shirt, along with various personal items in a large plastic bag. Her heart rate sped up and she had to take a deep breath, to remind herself that everything was okay.

Casey noticed the staring, and that Alex was beginning to pale. “Are you alright?”

Alex shook herself and then cleared her throat. “I’m okay, I’m just not overly fond of hospitals.”

Casey’s mouth dropped open slightly when it dawned on her how much Alex’s history would make her rightfully uncomfortable in hospitals.

“Well come here and sit down,” Casey said, making room on the narrow bed.

“I’m fine,” she said, resisting the urge to pace again.

“It was really nice of you to come, but you don’t have to stay,” she said. “If you want, I can go with you.”

“ _You_ are going to need stitches.”

“ _I_ am going to need a new dry cleaner,” she said, trying to get Alex to laugh. “Because mine is going to hate me.” Casey said.

Alex did at least smile at that. She took a deep breath in and then breathed out slowly. “How did it happen?”

“The guy attacked _his own lawyer_ when he heard the verdict.” She shook her head at the insanity in that. “Trevor tried to duck and get away, but tripped and well, he’s very uncoordinated when he’s flailing, and he fell into me hard. I think he caught me with his $10,000 watch.”

“Langon?” Alex said, starting to pace again, against her will.

“Yes.”

“Then it was at least a $15,000 watch. Most likely with diamonds in it.”

“Well, that makes sense, as it was apparently sharp,” she motioned to her head.

Tired of watching Alex pace in too small a place, Casey scooted over even more and motioned for her to come sit again. “You’re going to make me dizzy.”

Alex acquiesced finally, sat down on the small space on the bed, and a gentle silence fell between them.

She felt calmer, sitting so close and seeing that Casey was okay. She started to relax even through the awkwardness. For whatever reason, at the moment, they seemed to be able to talk to one another.

Between the two of them, though, she would have said that Casey was the one known for not beating around the bush.

She must have taken some of that on during their time together; because Alex reached for as much honesty as she could gather, wanting to ask something she didn’t really want to know the answer to, but needed to. In a low, barely audible voice, she asked,

 

“Is she nice to you?”

 

The silence returned heavy and fast.

 

Casey sat half-frozen, just blinking. She stared at Alex, watching her actively not look her in the eye, chest rising and falling just a little too fast for calm. Casey tried to figure out exactly what Alex meant, and could only come up with one answer, which settled into the quiet confidence starting to grow in her heart.

She waited for Alex to meet her eyes before she replied.

 

“You are nice to me.”

 

Alex knew what she wanted those words to mean, and she knew the charge in the very weighted air was building around them. She knew what she wanted in her heart, and couldn’t help but wonder, against all odds that Casey might be there too.

Casey should hate her, but-

“Alex-“

“I miss you,” Alex interrupted.

“I miss you too,” Casey said, wanting to reach out and hold her hand, but settling for resting hers lightly on Alex’s lap. “I’m not sure what you’re thinking, but I’m not seeing anyone.”

Alex wrinkled her brow and looked away again. “You and Rollins seem… close,” she said, her voice a little strained, but no judgment present.

“It’s not what you think.”

Alex’s brows furrowed further in consternation, she pursed her lips and released a deep breath. “It’s okay if it is, you have every right to- you should have someone who would be good to you… someone who would bring you a change of clothes when you’re stuck in an ER.”

“It’s just my gym bag, she grabbed it for me. We run together. We’re friends.”

“Oh.” Alex looked down, sounding more chastised than Casey had ever heard her.

“There’s no one else,” Casey said, slowly emphasizing each word, trying to let them convey everything she felt and reached out and grabbed Alex’s hand, holding it softly.

“I know I have no right to ask, it’s just that,” Alex finally looked her in the eye once more. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“Yeah?” Warmth spread through her at Alex’s words and she let it, not fighting it at the slightest. “Well, I’m right here.”

She attempted to let her hand fall out of Casey’s, but Casey held fast.

“I miss talking to you,” Alex admitted.

“What do you want to talk about then - I have a possible concussion,” Casey ran her thumb softly across the back of Alex’s hand. “So you might have to think of a conversation starter.” There was a dimple threatening to break free on her cheek, as she was trying not to smile.

“What like, torte reform?” Alex smirked.

“New York _is wrong_ not to recognize grief as an element of damage in wrongful death cases,” Casey said without hesitation.

“I was joking.”

“Oh, well then-” Casey gave her a soft smile.

When Casey looked at her like that, it was always hard to think, she just wanted to stare at her, let the feeling that they were the only two people in the world take over.

“-But don’t try to make me laugh,” Casey finally said. “I still have a headache. Plus, it feels like the numbing shot they gave me to prep for the stitches has fully kicked in and I’m sure that if I try to laugh with the upper half of my face frozen like I got botox, it would look really weird.”

“Okay. I’ll try,” Alex said, and took another deep breath. “It was good of Rollins to come and get me. I don’t think I would have received word so fast otherwise.” She pressed her lips together in annoyance. “She guessed that we had been together.”

“Well, she knows I was with someone that broke it off, and she’s pretty intuitive… She’s been a good friend.”

“I’m glad you have someone.”

“Alex, there’s no one else.” She squeezed Alex’s hand and watched her closely, wanting it to sink in. “There hasn’t been anyone since we were involved.”

“Involved,” Alex finally said. She let go a huffy sigh, but she could feel something starting to shift between them. “I suppose that is a good word for it. I still don’t know what I thought we were doing.”

“What we were doing was great,” Casey said. “But it was also shortchanging ourselves.”

“It was,” Alex simply agreed.

“When we were involved, I…” Casey sighed. “I spent so much time hoping that I could just get it together again, and that you’d see me in a new light.”

“I never needed to see you in a new light,” Alex said, with a gentle shake of her head. “There’s nothing about you that I’d change. Except maybe the propensity for getting yourself into trouble.” She motioned to the gauze, wanting to smooth her fingers over it, but didn’t want to cause pain. “I mean it. You are so uniquely and completely you. You’re so beautiful, and strong, and sweet,” She smiled and thought about who they both were in the beginning and how much was different now. “I do have to say, I’m glad the swagger came back-“

“I do not swagger.” Casey interrupted.

Alex continued without pause, “You do,” she said. Casey opened her mouth to protest but Alex put a finger from her free hand lightly against her mouth to halt any argument, and continued, “I like it.”

She closed her mouth and Alex pulled her finger back, and straightened They were too close and yet not enough. Casey wanted to pull her even further onto the bed with her.

“Does that mean…”

“What?”

“That you want to get back together?” She asked calmly and steadily, trying to give the smallest push to get Alex to be clear about what she wanted.

“Yes.” Alex gently brushed her thumb across Casey’s cheek and briefly cupped the non-injured side of her face. “I’d like that,” Alex said, slow and strained. “If you- if you’re ready and want to.”

“Of course I want to.”

Alex smiled tremulously. “I never should have let you go. I just… panicked. I mean, this whole thing was my fault from the beginning.”

She held her free hand up to stop Casey, who looked like she might want to interrupt again.

“From the very start,” Alex continued. “I was the one who couldn’t keep my hands off you, I couldn’t stay away from you, I couldn’t stop talking to you. And by the time you started to-” She looked up toward the ceiling as if the answer were there and she couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen it.

“It took a long time to realize how much I… it all snuck up on me. And then,” Alex paused, feeling too open and way too vulnerable, but Casey was giving her a chance so she took a deep breath. “Then I was afraid if I acknowledged how much I loved you, that I’d lose you too,” she continued in a whisper.

Hope, and more, were starting to break out on Casey’s face. “You love me?” she said as a smile was taking over.

“Yes.”

“Yeah?” Casey repeated with a hint of astonishment, beaming.

“I should have told you a long time ago, I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this.”

“Yeah, you are terrible at this,” Casey laughed.

“Hey.”

“You’re good at most things,” she said. Her smiled, softened. “There was bound to be something.”

Alex’s smile faded though, and she tried to back away and cross her arms but Casey wouldn’t let go of her hand. “I’m serious though, it should be pretty obvious that I don’t know how to do this.”

“How to do what exactly?”

“Be with someone.”

“That’s okay.”

“I don’t know if we even want the same things… If you’re in the same place in what you want for your life.”

“Alex,” Casey said, trying to catch up and stay in the moment, sitting up more to get closer. “I never needed some grand gesture. I always simply wanted to know you _wanted_ to be with me,” she smiled sheepishly. “And that you liked me okay.”

Alex cleared her throat. “Of course I like you okay,” she said, her tone evening out at the end.

“Then, we can take it slow,” Casey said. “It doesn’t have to be any more complicated than right now,” she placed a hand on Alex’s chest. “What is it that you want?”

“The only thing I want is you.”

Alex was so earnest that Casey’s heart felt like it could burst. Both dimples made an appearance on her face, she couldn’t stop smiling. “Then we’ll figure everything else out as it comes.”

“You make it sound so simple.”

“You are a disturbingly quick study,” Casey said. “I have faith in you.”

“I've never been comfortable needing anyone or even relying on someone. I already messed this up once.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious.”

“Okay.” Casey said patiently. “But you’re not going to talk me out of this. You don’t like needing anyone. That’s fine. But, maybe it’s just nicer to be with somebody. It’s okay to have a girlfriend, you know.”

“Girlfriend, hmm?” She smiled, shaking her head, feeling a little spent but almost giddy. The relief she felt starting to bubble over into nervous laughter. She looked at the two of them, having this much-too-delayed, serious relationship conversation while huddled together on a hospital bed, holding hands, in a tiny room with a curtain for a door and wondered, “How in the world did we end up here?”

“Well, I let a hot blond pick me up in a bar.” Casey laughed and winced at the pain it brought between her temples.

Alex swatted lightly at her in retaliation. “I told you that you needed to reevaluate those grown up decision making skills.”

Casey grabbed the offending hand and pulled her closer by it and held that one too. “Maybe someone should help me out with that. You seem to like bossing me around.”

“I thought I could do without this,” her voice grew serious. “I mean I can-“

“So can I, but I don’t want to,” Casey said.

“It still doesn’t mean I think things will work out.”

“I know. It’s okay though. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m tougher than I look.”

“I’m not,” Alex said, with painful honesty.

“You don’t need to be,” she said, gently caressing her hands.

“I still don’t like the term girlfriend.”

“Well, too bad.” Her eyes flashed with mischievous glee. “Because I am absolutely going to call you my girlfriend every chance I get,” Casey grinned. “If it helps, you can think of it as preferential treatment, but you can make up your own term if you want.”

“Preferential treatment?” She thought it over, watching Casey’s shining smile overwhelm her face. “Well, I guess I do like you a bit better than most people.”

“See? You’re doing fine.”

“I really did miss you,” Alex said. “I-,” she tried to continue, but her throat clenched from the tears rimming her eyes.

“Yeah,” Casey said. “I like you okay too.”

An easier silence fell around them, finally punctuated by Alex. “How are you feeling?”

Casey laughed again, a release of nervous pent up surprise, “Pretty damn amazing.”

Alex sat up a little straighter and gave her a bemused look. “I meant your face. And headache.”

“Oh, “ Casey continued smiling unabashedly. “My forehead is now completely numb, and the headache is there, but manageable.”

“Is it okay if I kiss you, then?”

“I’m a little annoyed that you haven’t yet.”

“Well, we can’t have that.” She let go of Casey’s hands, brushed the hair back from her shoulder, and gently traced the smile on her lips with her thumb, memorizing the exact expression in the moment before kissing her.

Casey pulled her as close as she could. She ran a hand over Alex’s back and into her hair, holding her to the kiss, teasing and then gently biting on Alex’s lower lip until she hummed in contentment.

Until the doctor coughed and cleared his throat loudly before sliding the door-curtain open and came into the room.

They broke apart and Alex got up off the bed quickly and stood off to the side, blushing.

Alex Cabot actually blushed - Casey would have basked in that feat, if she hadn’t been sporting a blush herself.

“Sorry about that,” Casey said, bashful smile bringing out both dimples. “My girlfriend doesn’t like hospitals very much.”


	11. Epilogue

 

Casey was starting to drag by the time they reached the building’s foyer. The day was catching up to her and reminding her how long it had been, how much had changed since she woke up that morning. Her head was leaning heavily on Alex’s shoulder by the time they were waiting for the elevator.

 

They made it to the dry cleaner before it closed and picked up dinner along the way, but Casey’s face still felt tight and sore. Alex could read it in the stiffness creeping across the set of her shoulders. 

 

“You get to take another pain killer once you eat, if you need one.”

 

Casey turned her tired and longing eyes on Alex in the elevator. “Do you want to stay over? I… it would be nice to-,” she said. Hearing the needy tone she quickly added, “If you’d like to, I know it's a busy day tomorrow.”

 

Alex kissed her, a soft and delicate press to her lips. “I’ll stay.”

 

“I know it got late… we can make plans for tomorrow.”

 

“That would be nice too, we could try for dinner, but I’d still like to stay.”

 

Casey smiled at the elevator floor and squeezed Alex’s hand. “Okay.”

 

-

 

They ended up in the shower together. Alex insisted on helping Casey wash out her hair while avoiding getting the stitches wet (despite having a waterproof bandage to wear for such an occasion). 

 

Afterward, Casey offered up the entirety of her wardrobe to Alex for something to sleep in, and out of all of the possibilities, Alex grabbed the same old race t-shirt that she’d worn a few times previously. It inexplicably made Casey’s heart beat faster.

 

Getting ready for bed already felt distinctly different. Alex seemed to be taking it with such normalcy and calm. She brushed her teeth and then slipped into the right side of the bed, as if she’d claimed it long ago. Casey was slower, and overly aware of how very domestic it felt.

 

As she brushed her teeth, Casey watched Alex look through a few final messages on her phone and then set it and her glasses on the nightstand. Finally, Casey finished and climbed onto the bed ignoring her side and instead, crawling over to straddle Alex. She braced her hands on either side of her long blond hair and kissed Alex softly, tasting of mint toothpaste. Alex meant to say something, or at least make a sound that signaled for them to stop or slow down, but Casey was so warm under the shirt where Alex’s traitorous hands already splayed. 

 

When the kiss wound down, she collected Casey’s hands and held them at her side. She kissed her again, lightly, until Casey went a little limp and eased down fully against her.

 

“I really don’t want to stop,” Alex said in between kisses. “But we should sleep at some point. You’ve got to be tired, and I have to work in the morning.”

 

“I do too.”

 

“You don’t have to come in tomorrow,” Alex said, trying to keep her voice steady as Casey’s fingers had begun wandering her stomach, tracing patterns lower and lower.

 

“We’re not having this discussion again, it is only my face, it hurts a little, but it’s fine.” She kissed along Alex’s jaw and neck, and her fingers slipped even lower until Alex moaned.

 

“You have to be exhausted,” Alex said, but her hips canted into the touch anyway. She barely got out, “Behave,”in a strangled plea. She grabbed Casey’s hand and held it still for a moment.

 

“I behaved earlier, in the shower.”

 

“You did not!”

 

Alex’s pitch made her laugh.

 

“No, I didn’t,” she grinned. “It was nice though, wasn’t it.”

 

“It was more than nice, and you know it,” Alex said. “And you should be tired from that, too.”

 

“Are you too tired?” Casey rolled a little further to one side, but grinned as her hands started wandering again, looking more than a little love drunk and Alex couldn’t help but smile.

 

“That’s what I thought,” Casey said. “There’s no such thing as too tired for this.”

 

Alex smoothed her fingers along Casey’s collarbones despite her reluctance to start things again.

 

“There is so,” Alex said, and smirked, but still gave in and kissed her. It was slower, and careful, and languid, but still seductive. Her fingers twisted into Casey’s hair and pulled her close. She let go once Casey straddled her again, and instead dragged her fingertips firmly along the muscles up and down Casey’s thighs, luxuriating in the strength there.

 

“Well, I haven't hit too tired yet,” Casey whispered, because she otherwise would have squeaked. “You tell me when you do.”

 

-

 

The stitches were uncomfortable. That was to be expected. She had thought there’d be little chance of sleeping soundly through the night on the very tender skin. She really couldn’t sleep well on her other side, and she kept turning over and regretting it every time. 

 

“Don’t,” Alex would mutter, and put a hand on her back trying to keep her still. “You’ll lay on your stitches.”

 

-

 

She ended up on her back. Not exactly a natural sleeping position for her, but Alex ended up half-curled onto her, using her as a pillow and ensuring she stayed off the bad side of her face. It worked though, and she was able to remain still until morning.

 

She stretched lazily and languidly, her bedroom window showing faint signs of the morning and soft colors of the lightening sky. Alex’s warm, slender body had been plastered against her for hours breathing softly in her sleep, head resting gently against Casey, arm haphazardly thrown across her waist. Alex’s face was smooth and her body, without tension, was almost serene. And Casey let herself soak it all up, in a happy if sleepy haze.

Casey didn’t want to wake her up. She wanted to stay like this, in this brief respite from the world.

 

She had imagined, when she let her heart dream of reconciliation, that such a night would end in kiss after kiss - devolving into the familiar physicality that would leave them both shaking with need. But the parts of it that really took her breath away, were the tight embraces, the flat out cuddling - when Alex seemingly unaware, would trace unknown patterns on her skin, needing to keep a touch between them.

 

In her sleep Alex would occasionally twitch and her arms would flex keeping her in an embrace, her hands would momentarily grip her again before relaxing.

 

And before they fell asleep, Alex nestled her head against Casey’s shoulder, and said it again, “I love you.”

 

Casey must have still looked a bit like she thought it was too good to be true, because Alex sat up and reached over her to get at the nightstand. She pulled on the lamp and hovered there for a moment, balancing over Casey and appropriating a notepad she had left there from working herself to sleep the night before.

 

She finally tore off the top sheet and placed it onto the center of Casey’s chest.

 

 

> _Casey,_  
>  _I love you,_  
>  _-A_
> 
>  

Alex kissed her with slow, thorough sweetness. “There. I wrote it down for you, in case your heart is a visual learner.”

 

“I’m…” she smiled so much over the evening her cheeks might have been vaguely aching from the straining. “I’m just happy.” 

 

-

 

She melted again, thinking of the note tucked carefully away in her nightstand drawer and shifted, stretching a bit more to try and wake fully. She looked over at her alarm, knowing that the snooze time period was almost up, and reached to preemptively turn it off. The groan against her skin made her laugh.

 

She pulled away enough to turn to her side and prop herself on an elbow, watching Alex fully without placing any pressure on the side of her face.

 

“I’m sorry, but it’s time to get up.”

 

“No,” was the only reply.

 

“I’m sorry if I kept you from getting enough sleep.”

 

She got a grumbled, “No you’re not.”

 

“Good morning anyway,” Casey laughed and ran her fingers along Alex’s back, applying gentle pressure and light scratching, trying to soothe and stimulate at the same time. “Alex,” she sing-songed, trying to keep her from falling asleep once more.

 

“Mmm,” was a slightly more agreeable response.

 

“I know it’s early,” she said. “But even if you have an extra suit at the office, you’ll still want to get there early enough.”

 

Alex groaned again and snuggled closer. It nearly made her give up and call them both in sick.

 

“I know,” Casey sighed. She planted a kiss atop her head. “You don’t know how much I wish we didn’t have to get up.”

 

Alex lifted her head up enough to look over at the time and sighed. “I guess I should get going,” she said, her voice rough with sleep.

 

“If you showered here, and I called you a cab, you’ll have enough time for coffee.”

 

“Okay,” she agreed. “But you should go back to sleep. You really don’t have to come in today.”

 

“You, of all people, know my caseload.”

 

She looked up and tilted Casey’s chin to get a better look at the side of her face to inspect the bruising under the bandage. “You really don’t have to…”

 

“We’re not having this discussion again-”

 

“But if you do, remember to use the ointment and-“

 

“And a new bandage,” she said. “I know, I was there too,” Casey smirked. “Come on,” she said, sitting up fully. “You get in the shower, and I’ll make the coffee.”

 

They had an early day, and it was strangely hard to leave. Casey sent Alex on her way with a strong cup of coffee in one of her reusable stay-hot tumblers and a long, long goodbye kiss.

 

Alex smiled at her, and left her with one final kiss dusted across her cheekbones and a promise of dinner.

 

Casey felt like she won the damn lottery.

 

 

- 

-

- 

 

 

Alex woke up from her dream gasping slightly. She was used to waking up from these things alone, but at least Casey was here. And her warm, solid presence was so very tempting. She knew she could just reach over, seeking the comfort that a part of her wanted, maybe needed.

 

But then Casey would wake up too, and stay awake with her, and she knew the woman was similarly exhausted.

 

 

It was rare that Alex woke up first. It was even rarer that Casey would be out so hard that Alex could slip out without rousing her.

 

Her insomnia was unpredictable. It wasn't regular, it wasn't cyclical. It didn't necessarily come when she was the most stressed or worried; it could come when she was calm or even happy.

 

It was not an unfamiliar companion.

 

The dream that woke her was fading quickly, but heart was still beating faster than she'd like. It had been a stress dream, nearly a nightmare. And now the it was over, she could tell she was going to be awake for a while.

 

A part of her wanted to stay there in bed and listen to Casey's soft breathing, but she knew she should get up, walk out her remaining shakes, and get a glass of water.

 

She ended up sitting on the couch facing the window, watching the snow fall, telling herself that all was well. She'd long ago learned to let go of her paranoia, albeit slowly. Now and again, she just had to remind herself that everything was fine, good even.

 

Really good, if she were willing to admit it to herself.

 

She thought about Casey's poorly worded note from the morning, almost gleefully. She knew it was going to stun her when she gave her the envelope.

 

When it came down to it, Casey wasn't afraid of very much at all. She'd proven again and again that she could hold it together. Handle the cases, herself, and whatever else life seemed to throw at her. Alex nudged her along when she had to, but Casey had come back to herself and shone with sparks of confidence.

 

Except in one area.

 

She never pushed Alex.

 

Alex sometimes wondered if Casey was indeed afraid to push her, or was just patient with her; she rarely made any overt demands of their relationship.

 

The thought gnawed at her at times like this.

 

-

 

At least it was snowing. She'd always loved snow; the quiet of it, the crispness in the air.

 

She didn't feel like working, reading, or watching tv. She thought about waking Casey up, again, but instead settled for wrapping herself in Caseys robe, and watching the snow.

 

It was beautiful and tranquil, and she watched for quite a while before she heard a light shuffling and felt eyes upon her.

 

-

 

Casey came up behind her, and wedged herself between Alex and the corner of the sofa, spooning her completely from behind. She sat there for a while, just holding her, leaning back against the couch, cuddled into her, and so still that Alex wondered if she had fallen back asleep.

 

Alex waited until Casey shifted again to talk.

 

"I'm sorry if I woke you," she said.

 

"Mmm, I missed you," Casey said softly against her, so softly that Alex felt it more than heard it. "I wanted to make sure you weren't overworking yourself." She pulled Alex even closer to her, luxuriating in every place their bodies touched and nestled together.

 

Casey knew her so very well. She looked after her in a thousand little ways. And she didn't wait anymore, for Alex to come to her, like she did in the beginning of their relationship. She just came to her whenever she needed it, whenever Alex needed it.

 

And she always came to find her.

 

Alex loved that about her. She wanted to tell her. Wanted her to know how much she saw, the thousand things she loved about her, she opened her mouth to try and explain it all but it only came out as, "I love you." More than she ever thought possible.

 

Casey pulled her tighter, and even now Alex could feel the smile behind her. Hearing that seemed to be something that would never get old for her. Eventually, Casey replied. "I like you okay too."

 

They stayed that way, nestled together, until Casey had almost fallen asleep against her and they dragged themselves back to bed.

 

-

 

In Casey’s defense, when she asked for a key, she hadn’t really meant she was asking for **_a key_**.

 

She really didn’t mean she needed her own key to her girlfriend’s apartment. She would never jump at Alex like that. The woman could flinch a little hard, now and again, for Casey to just ask for something like that. 

 

But she really hadn’t been paying all the much attention to the moment, trying to make as little noise as possible, and getting dressed in the dark, and trying leave a note without waking her. She made sure to leave a note every time.

 

The week had been busy, with precious little time to indulge in each other, but Alex was sleeping so peacefully that Casey wanted to do everything she could to let her sleep in, but she was wide awake.

 

It was easiest to slip out while Alex was at her most-difficult to wake, when the light was only beginning to show in the sky. So, first thing in the mornings when she woke up with Alex, she would go on her runs, finish errands, come back, take a quick shower and slip right back in bed.

 

It was so easy, and nice, that it was becoming her favorite habit, even if she got a little ribbing from it.

 

-

 

“Hey,” Amanda said, breath puffing out into little fogs as she stretched. “I was so sure you’d beg off and I’d be stuck trying to catch up with the speed twins all by myself this morning.”

 

Casey cocked her head a bit, lowering her eyebrows in question, and then turned and mimicked the stretch. “I said I’d be here.”

 

“Yeah, but, you made it yesterday, so, I wasn’t so sure about today.” Amanda gave a huff of a laugh. “The way you were bitching all week about how you haven’t been able to see your girlfriend-”

 

“I was not.”

 

“You have _so_ been complaining-”

 

“Come on.”

 

“At the very least you’ve been grumbling about it all week-I really didn’t think we’d be able to drag you out of bed.”

 

Casey fought a blush and turned a bit to hide her smile, but said, “I know… and it is Sunday, and I was seriously tempted to stay, but she’s sleeping hard this morning. I should be able to get this run in and get back and maybe make breakfast before she wakes up.”

 

“So, you sneak off on your boo in the dark, freezing cold of the morning?”

 

“I _do not_ call her that,” her voice was higher than usual, and Amanda snorted.

 

“She’s really doesn’t like pet names,”Casey mumbled.

 

“Yeah, she doesn’t seem the type,” Amanda raised her eyebrows. “I would pay good money to watch you to say it to her face though.”

 

“No way,” Casey shook her head. “I would like to stay on her good side, thanks.”

 

“My god, you are so smitten.”

 

Casey ignored the comment. “Anyway, she knew I’d probably go for a run. I left a note…”

 

“Seriously, you are in deep,” Amanda shook her head and pulled her gloves out of her pocket and put them on.

 

“Because I want to let her sleep-in?” she protested.

 

“You what I’m talking about and you know it’s true, you are down for the count,” Amanda said, scoffing a bit. “But, at least it looks good on you.”

 

“Yeah,” Casey agreed and a nearly sickening smile took over her face.

 

“Anyway, it’s just as well we’re starting early if you have to go crawling back to bed.” She motioned to the two State’s Attorneys warming up ahead of them. “They dusted us in the half-marathon, even if we just try to keep up we’re probably going to be hurting later.”

 

“True,” Casey said. “You do know that Abby was a college track star, don’t you?”

 

“I didn’t know that.” Amanda looked over at Abby stretching out legs too long to be legal. “I’m not surprised though.”

 

“Well, it’s not like she brags about it or tries to show off… I only know because she’s a friend of Alex’s. But, it’s good to run with people faster than you. It’ll help kick up our pace. Just don’t try to challenge them.”

 

“Believe me, I won’t. I just want to smoke Homicide in the next 10k. Those smug third floor pricks think they’re iron-men.”

 

“Well, I’m with you, but you have to fill-in on the softball team when we need you.”

 

Amanda wrinkled her nose.

 

“I know you can play,” she said.

 

“I guess I owe you.”

 

“Damn right you do,” Casey smirked. 

 

-

 

“Hey, you’re awake,” Casey said, smiling, coming back to the apartment for the second time this morning. She was rosy cheeked from the cold outside and happy to see her as she walked by with a dry cleaning bag on the way to the bedroom.

 

Alex marveled at morning people. 

Casey always woke up first. Bright, and alert, she could never linger in bed too long. It was common to find her reading the paper or working or making breakfast by the time Alex rose. She had rearranged her workout schedule to let her have rest days when their schedules magically allowed them time together, but it didn’t take long for Alex to suggest she just go exert herself and come back, rather than go stir crazy and try to further clean Alex’s already tidy home.

 

Some mornings, if Alex was really sleeping in, Casey would go on post-workout errands for her. She seemed to be making a game of it, trying to get things done and crawling back into bed before Alex woke up.

 

Casey returned to the kitchen, poured herself a cup of coffee and topped off Alex’s mug.

 

“I know you didn’t sleep well, do you want me to make you something light for breakfast?”

 

“Maybe in a little while,” Alex said.

 

Casey stood behind her and swept the hair from her neck, placing a few kisses there and at the base of her shoulder before placing a final one on her cheek, and taking a seat next to her at the table, smiling.

 

“You’re in a good mood this morning,” Alex said, turning to the crossword section of the paper, and handing the rest across the table.

 

Casey continued grinning. “Of course I am,” she said leaning over to read the crossword clues upside down. “I love Sunday mornings. Especially when they’re slow and we’re both free of any committments.”

 

Alex arched an eyebrow at her for tempting fate to interrupt their weekend, but softened her look with a small smile, and looked down to write the answer for 3 across.

 

“I especially love them with you,” Casey said, and continued looking for crossword-answers.

 

Alex went still for a moment, and looked up again to gain Casey’s attention.

 

“Well, then,” Alex said, smiling, and now fighting off a little smirk at what she knew was coming next. She stood and retrieved a small package from a nearby kitchen drawer and placed it on the table. “This will come in handy in the future.”

 

Casey opened the envelope to reveal a shining silver keychain with a key and security keycard attached, unmistakably meant for her, as it was engraved with her initials on one side, and Alex’s on the other.

 

“Alex,” Casey said, then stopped as she caught her breath. She stared at the key in her hand, and then at Alex with unmasked surprise. 

 

“I admit, the idea startled me at first,” Alex said. She placed the poorly written note from yesterday on top of the envelope on the table, willfully misunderstanding Casey’s latest attempt to let her know she was borrowing her keys yet again.

 

“I was a little unsure at first,” Alex continued. “But I spent half the day thinking about it. And the more I thought about it, the more I liked it. So, I called the Super.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yes,” she said. “When I realized there was a chance of you being around more,” she smiled softly again, “I really liked the idea.”

 

“You see, that’s not fair,” Casey said, trying to maintain composure but her voice cracked. “You say things like that, and you make me fall in love with you that much more.”

 

“When did I ever claim to be fair?” She reached over to caress the side of her face. “When I have ample reason to keep the odds in my favor.”She stood and pulled Casey up into a kiss that Casey deepened instantly.

 

“Unless it’s not something you want..”

 

“It is,” Casey said quickly, and kissed her again.

 

“Good then,” she said, and then laughed as Casey disentangled herself and reached for the crossword puzzle, filling in an answer before Alex could.

 

She shook her head and sat down to finish her coffee, enjoying the feeling, the happiness, as it came.

 

 

 

-

-

-

 

 

"You took the dress off."

 

"Hello to you too." Casey laughed and looked up from her computer. She was going to roll her eyes, but seeing Alex all dressed up from the gala nearly took her breath away again, she looked so incredibly lovely.

 

"I was looking forward to that dress."

 

That did shake Casey enough from her reverie to roll her eyes.

 

"I know what you wanted from that dress," Casey said, and smirked. "But, it was a formal party, with a lot of people there, including your uncle. You're lucky I went at all," she gave her a small, amused glare. "And, you would have had to behave anyway."

 

Alex only smirked, eyebrow quirking merrily.

 

Casey shook her head at Alex's smug expression, hint of laughter and more in her voice. "I know how you are at parties."

 

Alex laughed as she set her purse down and walked over. "My uncle liked you."

 

The smile faded from Casey's face as it flashed vulnerability. "Really?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Even though-"

 

"Even though you were once suspended," she said in a tired tone. "You know, it's been a while, and you are seriously underestimating how many flags are on other prosecutors records… If you gave Uncle Bill a chance to, he'd be happy tell you some of the things people have tried to get away with in front of him."

 

"I was going to say, 'Even though I got a judge thrown of the bench?'"

 

"Casey, everybody hated Taft. You did the legal world a favor." She reached over and took a sip of water from Casey's glass. "Uncle Bill said you had verve."

 

"Is that... good?"

 

Alex's lips quirked and she nodded. "And my aunt thought you had lovely bone structure."

 

"Huh," Casey said. "I haven't heard that one before."

 

"I like your bone structure too." She fingered Casey's clavicle under her lapel. "I like this sweatshirt on you, and you should wear navy more often, but… I do hope I get to see the dress again soon."

 

"The case broke a lot faster than they thought it would. At least I was at a party where I could easily find a judge to sign my warrant, but other than making the squad feel bad for pulling me away from any kind of life, it stopped serving it's purpose," she smiled and ran a finger along Alex's arm. "I'm sorry I got called in, but I'm not sure you had anything good in mind when you asked me to meet you in the hall with a martini."

 

"I just wanted a break from small talk."

 

"Yeah," Casey's eyes lit up and she smirked, closing her laptop. "I'm not sure I buy that."

 

"Then I guess you were saved by the bell."

 

Casey openly laughed this time and stood, staring at Alex for long moments, letting her eyes lazily roam her body. Her face broke into an even bigger, genuine smile, both dimples popping out as she reached for Alex's hands and gave them a light squeeze.

 

"I am sorry I didn't get to say longer. And, if I didn't tell you before, you look amazing." She kissed her on the cheek. "How was the rest of your night?"

 

"Fine."

 

"Did you have any fun at all?"

 

"After you left it was mostly just networking, and then Trevor sat at our table and he wouldn't stop smirking at me. That wouldn't have happened if my first choice of dinner companions hadn't run off." The huff in her voice was belied by the smirk on her face.

 

"You assigned me the case," she reminded her yet again.

 

"Oh, is that your excuse?" Alex smirked.

 

"Not to mention that there is also the teeny tiny little fact fact that I had no business even attending a BAR Gala."

 

Alex gently took her chin and turned her face to look at her. "Your BAR rating is fine. You're back in good graces with the judges." She let go of her chin and let her hand smooth down Casey's arm. "I thought it demonstrated your verve, showing up," she winked.

 

"That Cabot audacity must be rubbing off on me."

 

"I brought you something," she turned and returned to where she had set her purse down. "I had been planning to give it to you tonight. I suppose I still want to give it to you even if you didn't keep that dress on."

 

"Maybe it's just as well with you and that dress - in public."

 

"Would you just come over here and accept it."

 

"What are you talking about?" she said, but dutifully came over anyway.

 

Alex, liked to bring her things. It took Casey a while to figure out that it was one of the ways she showed affection. She was not used to being with someone who would occasionally shower her with gifts, but she tried to accept that it was indeed a way for Alex to express her emotions.

 

"A little closer," Alex said, motioning with her arms out for Casey to step into them.

 

She looked at her questioningly, but did as she was asked.

 

There was a twinkle of light brought her eyes to a necklace dangling from Alex's fingers, and she leaned forward to clasp it around her neck.

 

Casey's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in surprise before turning into a slightly confused smile.

 

Alex took advantage of the surprise and slipped one arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

 

"It's beautiful," Casey said. "I don't understand… you didn't have to-" her brain trailed off, then took a breath. She held the necklace out in front of her to get a better look at the sapphire pendant on it. "It's beautiful," she repeated, feeling dumb. She ducked her head and smiled, happy that her bangs fell enough to hide the blush she could feel. "I love it."

 

"Well, I saw this, and thought of you, and I though you might get all girly about it," her eyes sparked in delight. "I was right."

 

"I'm not sure this old sweatshirt does it justice."

 

"You can wear it with that dress next time."

 

Casey was touched and still a little overwhelmed. "I'm sorry that I didn't realize that not being there would bother you."

 

"I might have even agreed to at least one dance. You'll have to make it up to me," she decided.

 

"Of course," a smile broke out on Casey's face and she kissed her.

 

"I want to go out soon, somewhere where you can wear the necklace."

 

Casey smiled. "I will start looking at upcoming events, do you have any particular venue in mind?"

 

"Surprise me."

 

"Is there anything else I can do for my gorgeous girlfriend?"

 

Alex threw her a fake glare, but sniffed airily and stated, "You could make me that sandwich for breakfast in the morning. The one you keep experimenting with."

 

"As you wish," she kissed her and moved back to her laptop and tapped a few keys to connect her music to the speakers in the ceiling. She came over again and held out her arm for Alex.

 

"What?"

 

"Do still want that dance?"

 

"Isn't this song a little maudlin for dancing?"

 

"This is Ella Fitzgerald you heathen," Casey said, putting her hands on Alex's hips and pulling her in to close the distance. "Dance with me."

 

"You're corny."

 

"I am," she said. "Are you just now noticing this?"

 

Alex rolled her eyes, but didn't pull away. "You're in your socks," she half-protested.

 

"You'll get to be taller," Casey winked.

 

Alex's eye flashed in amusement but she let herself be pulled into the dance anyway. They swayed softly to the beat and after a bit, Casey closed her eyes. Alex watched her for a moment before letting herself get lost in her and in city lights sparkling for them from the windows.

 

"I love you," Casey said, tightening her hold and eventually resting her head on Alex's shoulder.

 

"I like you okay too," Alex said softly.

 

 

-

-

-

 

 

"This isn't what I thought you meant when you asked me to come on a workout with you two."

 

”Why else would I ask you to bring a second? What exactly were you expecting?" The corner of Alex's mouth turned up ever so slightly. "You knew we were meeting at Serena's club, and you know we play tennis often."

 

"You, my dear girlfriend, are hardly playing." Casey swatted playfully at Alex with her tennis racquet when she sent her the familiar glare for using her least favorite relationship term yet again.

 

Casey gave up quickly though, and retreated over to the benches to wipe her face with the towel in her bag. Her partner was sucking down water, slumped on the bench next to her.

 

She and Abby were both avid runners, athletic and in shape, and - they got their asses handed to them.

 

Just like Alex said they would, the pairing of Serena and Alex taking them in straight sets.

 

"You know," Casey said, louder. "You told me she was good… you withheld the fact that she's a ringer."

 

Serena laughed from the corner of the court, bouncing lightly on her feet, as she did a few dynamic stretches. "Two-time state champ in my high school's division," she held up two fingers.

 

Alex laughed, and then laughed harder at the glare Casey leveled at her. "Not my fault you didn't do the research."

 

"Now, I'm supposed to research for a friendly workout?"

 

"That is what Google was made for." Alex smirked.

 

"Never thought I'd have to google just to make sure that working out doesn't end up in bruises."

 

"Matching bruises," Abby called from her resting spot on the benches.

 

"And you," Casey accused, standing and slowly moving closer, mock-threateningly, toward Alex. "You were letting Serena do all the heavy work, you're barely breaking a sweat."

 

Alex took two steps back. "I do believe I have a nice, light-glow."

 

Casey set her eyes upwards, sharing her disbelief with the high ceiling, and shook her head, but continued to advance.

 

"What can I say," Alex held her hands out and open and took two more steps back. "It's working out well for me."

 

-

 

Serena shook her head as she watched Casey and Alex move closer in a slow step-chase and continue their verbal sparring. She saw Abby motion to her and met her at the net.

 

”You think they know how much they light each other up?" the raspy voice said.

 

Serena looked back at the two and shook her head. "Nope. They both think they're so stoic." The two were still trading barbs as Alex plied Casey with another water bottle. "It would be disgusting if they didn't make each other so happy."

 

Abby laughed. "What would you say to ditching the love birds and getting something to eat?"

 

Serena grew quiet, thinking about it, trying to decide if she should decline yet another offer from Abby. Then her stomach rumbled loudly, bringing out nervous laughter. "I guess you have your answer."

 

"Want to check out that brunch place Casey was talking about before you put us through our paces?"

 

"That did sound good, didn't it. We can clean up and meet out front in 15?"

 

Abby nodded, with a soft smile, then it turned to a smirk. "Think they'll even notice we're gone?"

 

"You know, I'm really not sure. It's a 50-50 shot. I'll text them when we catch a cab."

 

-

 

Alex reached out and pulled Casey closer by the waste-band of her shorts. Casey let herself be pulled. Grinning.

 

"I can't believe chocolate waffles worked."

 

Casey grinned even harder.

 

"How did you know?"

 

"You said I should find a fourth,” Casey said. “I found a fourth. The timing alone was going to assure they'd be hungry. I know I am."

 

"That's it?"

 

"It wasn't too hard to pick up that you wanted the two of them to get together."

 

"Serena likes her, she's just-"

 

"Stubborn?"

 

"Just needs to get over herself."

 

Casey smirked.

 

"And going on and on about that new café in SoHo?" Alex swatted her again.

 

She pumped her eyebrows and grinned. "Okay, well, I may have taken a page out of Alex Cabot's social engineering tactics."

 

"I do no such thing."

 

Casey laughed.

 

"Seriously, how did you know?"

 

"I trusted you that Serena was interested, and well, as far as Abby goes, Munch is her biggest fan and he remembers every detail about her, including that she has a sweet tooth."

 

Alex looked slightly impressed, then smiled. "Sweet tooth or not, I think you made everyone in earshot hungry."

 

She put her hands on Alex's hips. "Including you?"

 

"Yes, but-"

 

"But," Casey smiled devilishly. "We should leave them be."

 

"You wouldn't know how to make those things would you?"

 

"Chocolate waffles?" she grinned again. " I'm sure I could figure it out with the proper motivation." After receiving some motivation she said, "or I could easily switch it to chocolate crepes for you."

 

Alex smiled bigger. "I guess there are benefits to having a girlfriend who cooks." Alex smiled like the cat who caught the canary, knowing that how it affected Casey each time she used the word (and sure enough, Casey beamed). "It's pretty sexy."

 

Casey eventually cleared her throat and tried to stop herself running her hands up and down Alex's arms. "Want to clean up and head out?"

 

"If we go straight to my place we could save water by sharing a shower."

 

Casey barked out a short laugh. "That never ends up saving water."

 

"Are you saying you liked your plan better?"

 

"I'll get our stuff," she said.

 

-

 

"My mom is coming to town next week," Casey said, her voice hitching higher as she stared at her phone, checking her messages on the cab ride back.

 

"How long is she visiting for?"

 

"She's just coming up for the day," she said. "She wants to know what day was good for me so she could make dinner reservations."

 

"That'll be nice. I know its been a while since you've seen her."

 

"Do you… would you want to come with me?"

 

"Are you asking," Alex spoke slowly. "Or is your mother?"

 

"Both of us, I guess."

 

Alex grew quiet and Casey wondered if they would get to Alex's before she would respond.

 

Another block later, Alex cleared her throat. "If you'd like me to," she said.

 

Casey squeezed her hand. "It's not a pressure thing, I think she's just curious."

 

"Curious?"

 

"I talk about you - not infrequently," she continued quickly when Alex looked mildly alarmed. "All good things…I promise. We're close enough for her to know about our relationship," she said, and fidgeted a little as they pulled to a stop in front of the building. "I don't think it would be too awkward."

 

"Right, because meeting the in-laws is never awkward," Alex said as she got out of the cab, sarcasm coming out full at the end of her sentence.

 

Casey tried not to stare, but Alex could still shock her sometimes, and she could feel her cheeks burning with a blush and frozen out side the buildings entry doors.

 

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Alex said, and rolled her eyes for cover.

 

"I didn't say anything," Casey tried to pull up her poker face and held the door for Alex."I'm sorry if that killed your… appetite.

 

"Not by a long shot," Alex winked. "You're going to have to try harder than that if you can't keep up," she laughed lightly and kissed her on the cheek as she walked by.

 

 

-

-

-

  

 

Sleep hazed and lazy, Alex was still buried in the pillows when she heard the chimes of the alarm system beep twice in recognition of Casey's entry code. She vaguely heard the shower turn on and she drifted to sleep waiting for the warm body to join her back in bed.

 

She had pushed off some of the blankets and one of her hands was resting on Casey's pillow. She was clad in a generously low cut, lacy camisole that had ridden up, and she could feel the eyes on her body and smiled.

 

Casey crawled onto the bed and gently lay on top of her, weight balanced on her forearms. She pressed a kiss onto her neck and then gently placed her lips on the outer ridge of her ear before whispering, "Good morning, sleeping beauty."

 

Alex pressed into her eliciting a groan and then turned over for a proper kiss.

 

Casey was clad in just a robe and her hair was still slightly damp. Alex had the smallest flash of regret for not getting up sooner to join her in the shower.

 

"Good morning." She kissed her again. "How was your run?"

 

"Good. The humidity was a little harsh though." She smiled, her eyes shining.

 

Alex sighed and breathed it all in.

 

"Do you want to go back to sleep? Are you hungry, or," she lightly nipped at her neck where it met her shoulder, and dropped her voice an octave. "Do you want something else?"

 

"That's not a fair question to ask when you're not wearing anything." She fingered the lapel of the robe lightly.

 

"So, this would be considered stacking the deck? Do you want me to put on a neutral outfit for your unbiased decision?"

 

She kissed her lightly. "That is too many questions before coffee."

 

"Sex, or breakfast?" Casey narrowed her query.

 

"That's not fair."

 

"Still doesn't answer my question."

 

She kissed her again.

 

"Okay," Casey tried once more. "Do you want to stay in bed, or are you ready to get up? I picked up some new coffee beans on my way home."

 

"I'm ready to consider either option."

 

"Well then," she laughed. "How hungry are you?"

 

"I can't decide which I want first," she pressed her hips into Casey.

 

"Keep doing that and the window for breakfast will close fast," she said.

 

And then Alex's stomach growled.

 

Casey laughed and rolled to her side, off of Alex.

 

"I didn't say stop." She complained, the sleep starting to leave her voice.

 

Casey laughed and kissed her. "What would you like for breakfast?"

 

"Would you make the sandwich?" Alex paused, unhappy that her pre-coffee brain couldn't quite do justice to one of her favorite things, one that Casey had experimented with and perfected for her. Just for her, and just because she liked it. "Please."

 

"Fine," Casey said, punctuating each word with a light kiss. "I am assuming you are talking about the - bacon and -egg - lyonnaise - on brioche, princess?"

 

"Yes," she said, in as haughty a tone as she could muster. "Thank you."

 

"Are you going to join me in the kitchen? I know you're not going to eat it in bed."

 

"I'll be out there in a moment."

 

-

 

After a shower, Alex sought out the source of the shuffling and gentle clatter. She entered the kitchen to see that Casey had thrown on jeans and a tank top to cook in. A few locks of her hair still wet and casually framing her face. Her skin was still glistening and flushed, and in the gentle, warm morning light Alex keenly regarded the almost indecently flattering jeans.

 

Feeling the observation, Casey looked up and smiled.

 

She kissed Alex gently on the cheek, but ducked any further physical contact. "Just let me pop this in the oven," she said. "And then I'll make some coffee."

 

"I'll make the coffee."

 

Casey looked at her doubtfully.

 

"I know how to make coffee."

 

Casey smiled a half-smirk in reply.

 

Alex slowly and blatantly pulled a specific coffee mug from the cupboard that said, I'm not a real grown up I just play one at work, and set it on the counter.

 

"Your girlfriend makes you breakfast and you tease her?" Casey complained, playfully.

 

Alex smiled, like the cat who ate the canary, like Casey had just played into her hand, perfectly, and Casey immediately felt a little nervous.

 

Alex kept the smile but shook her head.

 

"You know, I still don't care for the term girlfriend."

 

"After all this time?" Casey said, amused question in her voice. They had been living together for a while and everything had been going wonderfully, even with Alex's continued hatred for _the term_.

 

"Am I being demoted?" Casey said, laughing while putting the plates onto the table. She sat down, waiting for Alex to finish the coffee. "Or have you finally figured out another word you'd like to use?"

 

Alex turned to face her, small box in her hand, and her smile turned from devious to genuine.

 

"I was thinking, fiancé."

 

Casey's eyes opened wide and she froze.

 

She didn't even breathe.

 

The freeze continued, and Alex worried for a moment that she had broken Casey.

 

The woman looked at her, mouth ever so slightly open in shock, then her eyes narrowed in confusion, unsure if she had heard right.

 

In the meantime, Alex brought the coffee to the table, sat down and placed the small box on the table in between them.

 

Casey was still silent but had started breathing again, in short quick breaths.

 

The oven beeped though, startling them both. Casey finally unfroze and got up to put breakfast on the table and resumed her seat. She returned her eyes to the box, then back up.

 

"Alex," she breathed, unable to say more.

 

Alex, beginning to feel just a but nervous with the pace of the events and the silence from the other side of the table, opened the box.

 

It indeed contain a ring that she faced toward Casey.

 

"I think you should marry me."

 

Casey said nothing, but stretched out her hand to inspect the ring. After gently touching it, she pulled it closer to see it a little bit better.

 

"Was there an actual question in there?" Her mouth twitched and eventually formed a smile, and her eyes were beginning to well.

 

"Surely it was implied."

 

"Just for clarification…"

 

"Will you marry me?"

 

"Yeah-" she said, still staring at the ring.

 

"Yeah?" Alex said, smiling softly. "Is that a confirmation or a question?"

 

"Yes." Casey said, and got up and pulled Alex up until she was kissing her, until Alex's eyes closed as well, until she could absorb the intensity of the kiss and the entirety of the moment.

 

"Yes," she said again, this time, her voice quavering with so much emotion.

 

Alex pressed her forehead against Casey's until the woman stopped shaking. "I was hoping you'd say that," she said.

 

"My girlfriend proposes and you think I'm not going to say yes?"

 

Alex tried to step back, rolling her eyes, but was caught by Casey's embrace. "Maybe I need to rethink this proposal."

 

"No," Casey shook her head and pulled Alex in tighter, laughing. "No take-backs."

 

Alex rolled her eyes again, but settled into the embrace. "Fine," she answered. "No take-backs."

 

"Because, now, you're stuck with me."

 

"I suppose I am."

 

"But that's okay… because that means that you're mine. And that's perfect, because, I was already yours."

 

 

 

 


End file.
